The Cultural Shift from Toxic Femininity to “Denied Feminine” to Divine Feminine
“A healthy woman is much like a wolf: robust, chock-full, strong life force, life-giving, territorially aware, intuitive and loyal.” — Clarissa Pinkola Estés
Have you ever felt the ground shifting beneath you in your relationship, a subtle yet persistent sense that something’s off but you can’t quite name it? Maybe your partner has started making comments about wanting you to be more in your “feminine energy,” or wishing you’d tap into your “divine feminine.” And there you are, puzzled, maybe even a little irritated because, hello, you’re a woman — aren’t you feminine enough already?
Let’s dive into this murky water together, shall we?
First, understand this: being a woman doesn’t automatically mean you’re in touch with or expressing your divine feminine. As relationship expert Alison Armstrong puts it, “Being in your feminine has nothing to do with being a female. It has to do with being in a feminine state.” It’s about energy, not anatomy.
So what happens when we’re out of whack?
Michaela Boehm, tantra teacher and author of “The Wild Woman’s Way,” observes a common pattern: “Many women have become overly masculine in their approach to life and love. They’ve learned to succeed by doing, achieving, and making things happen.” Sound familiar? In our drive to shatter glass ceilings and prove our worth in a patriarchal world, we’ve often had to armor up with masculine traits — direction, assertiveness, problem-solving.
So, why are modern women denying the Divine Feminine?
Let’s pause here and unpack this. Why are so many of us, despite our best intentions, denying our divine feminine? It’s not because we’re broken or flawed. It’s a reaction, a survival mechanism born from centuries of oppression and a misguided path to empowerment.
For eons, the narrative of the “ideal woman” was steeped in what we now recognize as toxic femininity — the idea that to be worthy, we must be self-sacrificing, demure, and eternally pleasing. As author and spiritual teacher Marianne Williamson puts it, “In every community, there is work to be done. In every nation, there are wounds to heal. In every heart, there is the power to do it.” But for too long, we were told that our power lay solely in our ability to please, to nurture others at the expense of ourselves.
In our righteous rebellion against these shackles, many of us swung to the opposite pole. We rejected anything that smacked of the old “feminine ideal.” We hardened ourselves, thinking vulnerability was weakness. We overcompensated with hyper-independence, mistaking isolation for strength. As spiritual teacher Sera Beak notes, “We’ve been taught that the way to succeed is to override our bodies, our feelings, our soul.”
This “denied feminine” phase was necessary. It broke us out of toxic molds. But it’s not our final destination. It’s a bridge, not a home.
The divine feminine we’re now being called to embody is neither the self-sacrificing handmaiden nor the isolated warrior queen. It’s a vibrant, fluid force that dances with our inner masculine in a sacred tango of wholeness.
And there’s nothing inherently wrong with cultivating masculine traits. These are vital tools. The issue arises when we get stuck there, when our inner masculine overshadows our feminine essence. As Madelyn Moon, a polarity and intimacy coach, explains: “When a woman is in her overly masculine, she’s constantly in her head. She’s overthinking, overplanning, trying to control outcomes.” This mental chatter can leave us feeling disconnected, burnt out, unable to truly relax or receive.
Your partner might sense this imbalance viscerally. He feels the absence of your radiant presence, your ability to draw him into the moment with a touch, a gaze, a laugh that vibrates through his being. He misses the way your intuitive understanding could calm his frayed nerves without a word spoken. “The feminine,” as David Deida writes in “The Way of the Superior Man,” “is pure energy. The feminine is motion, chaos, color and light.” When we’re too in our heads, too focused on the “doing,” we dim that light.
But here’s the rub — simply telling us to “be more feminine” often backfires. It can feel like another task, another thing we’re failing at. And that’s because true feminine energy isn’t about performing or perfecting. It’s about allowing, receiving, being.
As Michaela Boehm puts it, “The feminine is the energetic of receptivity. It’s what allows you to feel. It’s what allows you to be touched. It’s what allows you to be present.” It’s the energy that lets you melt into your partner’s embrace, allows you to breathe through pain rather than fight it, and trusts in life's unfolding even when you can’t see the next step.
But — and this is crucial — accessing this divine feminine doesn’t mean abandoning your masculine strengths. It’s about dancing between both, knowing when to lead and when to follow, when to act and when to yield. As Alison Armstrong says, “The feminine is not less than the masculine. Neither is better than the other. They are designed to complement each other.”
So when your partner asks for more of your feminine energy, hear it as an invitation to wholeness. It’s not about being a “better woman.” It’s about integrating all parts of yourself — the driven doer and the intuitive receiver, the warrior and the goddess.
Here are 3 ways to start reclaiming your divine feminine:
- Moon Rituals: Sync with lunar cycles. On new moons, set intentions aligning with your deepest desires. On full moons, release what no longer serves under the stars. Let the moon’s ebb and flow teach you about rest and action, surrender and manifestation.
- Sensual Self-Care: Indulge in practices that wake up your senses. Take luxurious baths with essential oils, give yourself erotic massages, dance to music that moves your hips. As Regena Thomashauer says, “Pleasure is the antidote to stress, overwhelm, and stuck-ness.”
- Intuitive Movement: Forget choreography. Put on music and let your body lead. Follow the impulses — sway, stretch, stomp, spin. Your body knows the dance of the divine feminine. Trust its wisdom. As Marion Woodman says, “The body is the cup of the soul.”
In my course, “Harmonizing Polarity For Women: A Self-Guided Course To Harness Your Divine Feminine & Masculine Energies in Relationship” we dive deep into practices that help you embody this balance.
You’ll learn to access your divine feminine flow through rituals, movement, and sisterhood circles without losing your masculine fire. You’ll discover how to be the woman who can close million-dollar deals in the boardroom, then come home and melt your partner with a glance that says, “I’m here, fully present, ready to receive your love.”
Because that’s the magic, Loves. When you can dance between your poles, you become an unstoppable force of nature.
You’re no longer just doing life — you’re being life, in all its messy, magnificent glory.
And isn’t that what we’re all here for?
Join me. Let’s reclaim our wholeness together.
