https://www.happypartnersproject.com/blogs/rules-of-engagement.atomThe Happy Partners Project - Rules of Engagement2023-12-24T13:50:35-05:00The Happy Partners Projecthttps://www.happypartnersproject.com/blogs/rules-of-engagement/13-toxic-relationship-habits-fixes2023-12-24T13:50:35-05:002023-12-24T13:51:17-05:00The 13 Most Common Relationship-Damaging Habits (and How to Fix Them Fast)Jocelyn Johnson
Replace Toxic Patterns to Foster Deeper Intimacy
Even the healthiest couples struggle sometimes. It’s normal to hit snags, disagree, or disconnect from time to time in your partnership journey.
The key is how you handle conflict and nurture your bond on a daily basis. Do you tackle issues early in a caring way? Or let annoyances fester until everything blows up? Celebrate each other’s wins? Or mainly complain about faults?
Over the years, coaching couples to build thriving relationships, I’ve noticed 13 habits in particular that erode intimacy if left unchecked.
The good news? Every single one of these has a fix.
With some awareness, commitment to change and proactive communication between you and your partner, you can replace toxic patterns with healthy relating habits that foster closeness and trust and bring out the best in each other.
Ready to create positive shifts? Let’s get started...
1. Sacrificing Yourself
It’s so common to lose pieces of yourself when merging two lives together. We all know those people — the ones who are one person when single and a completely different person when in a relationship. Healthy relationships include space for both partners. For couples who lose themselves for the sake of their partner, to keep the peace, or any other reason, this toxic habit builds resentment in the long haul. Eventually, all those parts of yourself that have been denied for weeks, months, and years will come raging forward crying for attention. You aren’t doing the relationship any favors by being anything but your authentic self.
The Fix: Schedule regular “me dates” to honor those pieces of yourself you’ve neglected. Keeping your own life active and fresh gives you and your partner more to connect on, time to miss each other and keeps the spark alive and interesting. Grow together while still making space for your individuality.
2. Prioritizing Your Individual Needs Over the Relationship
This one is friends with the age-old adage — “There is no “i” in team” — but has a twist. Instead of melding with your partner and losing your identities, this toxic habit is about the “you vs. me” that can happen in the relationship, particularly around unmet needs or conflict. If the “relationship” is held as sacred then both partner’s needs are both partner’s responsibility to serve the relationship. It’s a subtle shift but with powerful implications — if both parties are responsible for serving the big picture relationship, then the dynamic shifts to “you+me vs the problem”.
The Fix: Identify shared goals and check in regularly on how you’re building the relationship you both want. When you notice you’ve shifted into “you vs me”, pause; then identify the problem and then collaborate on possible solutions that feel good to both parties.
3. Obsessing Over The Negative
Dwelling on issues without celebrating wins puts you in a funk where problems feel bigger than they are. I don’t know one person who has said they want to create a bad relationship dynamic but if you’ve heard the saying “where attention goes, energy flows” then you know that spending time on negative brings more negative and vice versa.
The Fix: Balance constructive feedback with gratitude for all that’s going right between you two. It’s important to take inventory of your problem areas but try to balance your constructive feedback on a six-to-one ratio. For every one thing that is going wrong, celebrate six that are going right.
4. Waiting for Fights to “Check-In” on the Relationship
Couples often ignore problems until small things build up and rupture into a massive fight. Not healthy! Waiting until a fight to “Check-In” on the relationship is a mistake. And if “calm until the storm” becomes routine, the relationship will be a series of peaks and valleys that over time will wear on the couple, until it breaks.
The Fix: Check in regularly so you can tackle issues early before they reach a breaking point.
5. Playing the Blame Game
My mom always used to say, “When you point the finger, you have three pointing back at you!” This one’s about taking responsibility for your role in the relationship. Nobody can make you feel or react a certain way. You choose that. And pointing the finger at your partner is copping out of taking responsibility for your contribution, your feelings, and your reaction. It’s also a way of attacking your partner instead of attacking the problem and finding a solution together. Plus, it fosters defensiveness, not compromise.
The Fix: Use “I feel __ when you __” statements to open an honest dialogue about needs. “I get angry when…because I feel like you don’t care.” Another way, “When I’m not spoken to with respect, I start to question if I can stay in this relationship.” *This is the foundation of Non-Violent Communication. Look it up, or take a deeper dive with our Creating Conscious Relationships Course.
6. Controlling Behavior
Attempting to control who your partner spends time with, how they dress, or what decisions they make in their own life is unhealthy. True partnerships empower one another’s autonomy while still making space for the relationship. Controlling behavior usually comes from a place of possession, jealousy, or attempting to compensate for one’s insecurities. But it severely damages trust and connection over time.
The Fix: Give your person space and autonomy. A relationship should amplify both individuals.
7. Jealousy/Possessiveness
Irrational or excessive jealousy usually signals a deeper lack of trust and confidence in the relationship. While natural concern over cheating can occur after being hurt before, unchecked jealousy leads to controlling tendencies like monitoring a partner’s behavior or friend group. It prevents both individuals from feeling free and destroys the mutual respect great partnerships are built on. Healthy couples nurture total assurance and faith in each other.
The Fix: First is to identify your triggers and what makes you feel unsafe. Communicate those to your partner and come up with a game plan. What phrase can you say when you’re triggered that prompts them to give reassurance? What can they do proactively to reassure you before the trigger hits? It’s key to build trust so jealous triggers are phased out.
8. Dishonesty (and unreliability)
This is a big one, and often misunderstood. Most don’t realize that honesty and reliability occur on a micro level with every interaction, from the first conversation, the first date, and so on. Trust and honesty are inextricably linked. If your word is gold, so will your relationship go for the gold. Broken commitments and “little white lies” erode intimacy over time.
The Fix: Try on “Radical transparency”. Commit to only the things you truly intend to honor. Integrity is everything for relationships. Consider your “Reveal to Conceal Ratio” — how much are you revealing vs concealing from your partner. Honesty builds intimacy. Don’t sacrifice long-term trust for short-term avoidance.
9. Manipulation
Manipulation includes verbal assaults, emotional coercion, physical violence, gaslighting, and other tactics meant to intimidate or exercise unhealthy control. While conflicts naturally arise, purposefully tearing your partner down rather than communicating with care destroys couples from the inside out. Healthy disagreements involve two equals choosing to understand each other. Manipulation poisons this kind of mutual understanding and respect.
The Fix: Foster mutual care and respect. Manipulation poisons partnerships.
10. Disrespect
Disrespect manifests in name-calling, mocking someone’s interests or needs, publicly embarrassing a partner, and other unkind words or deeds. These tear down self-esteem and breed contempt, frustration, resentment on both sides over time. They signal someone does not know how to argue respectfully. Practice unconditional positive regard and kindness in speech and actions instead. Speaking and acting with care, especially during conflict, builds trust and intimacy.
The Fix: Practice unconditional kindness with your partner in speech and actions.
11. Stonewalling
Refusing to communicate during conflict or shutting someone out for extended periods is unproductive behavior that is meant to punish or manipulate the partner into submission. It signals poor conflict resolution skills and an inability to argue constructively as a team. You’re supposed to be on the same side! While taking space to cool off can help at times, stonewalling your partner prevents issues from ever getting resolved healthily. Stay present and keep conversing even when tensions run high instead. Silence solves nothing.
NOTE: Sometimes, stonewalling can get confused for a trauma-response of getting shut down. In the face of conflict, some people’s unhealthy adaptations from childhood include shrinking into themselves and internalizing the battle. This is not stonewalling. I’ll give two fixes below that address both causes of the “silent treatment”.
The Fix: Stonewalling: Recognize that the silent treatment won’t get you what you want with your partner, short-term or long-term. Stay open and keep conversing, even when tensions run high. Trauma-response: Give your trauma response a voice. It could say “I’m shutting down. I need to take a break and go be alone. Can you come check on me in 20 minutes?” (the time frame is personal and situation-dependent, but stick to whatever time you have given.) Work little by little to let your walls down after that time so you can resolve the conflict.
12. Scorekeeping
Tallying up “I owe yous” and keeping score of every time a partner falls short breeds resentment on both sides over time. When someone fixes dinner three times in a row or handles a sick kid all day, tallying up their contribution versus your own leads to petty arguments. This tit-for-tat scorekeeping destroys the mutual care and understanding great partnerships are built on. Choose gentleness and empathy in each passing moment instead.
The Fix: Let the little things go instead of keeping score. Choose gentleness in the moment.
13. Volatile Fights
Screaming, throwing things, storming off, or other extreme reactions during conflict reveal poor self-regulation and the inability to resolve disagreements constructively. Volatile fights indicate immature conflict resolution tactics of lashing out instead of hearing each other out with care and respect. While taking space to cool off can help at times, avoiding difficult conversations or refusing to come back to connect won’t make problems disappear.
The Fix: Learn to monitor your own emotions, speak respectfully, and fairly argue out issues with your partner instead. Cool off if needed but always come back to connect. Doing so deepens understanding and builds trust over time, even through rough spots.
I know looking at unhealthy habits can feel overwhelming. But every couple has room for growth. Focus on one tweak at a time, celebrate small wins, and don’t lose hope.
With awareness, patience and clear communication, the healthy relating skills needed to nourish an intimate partnership are all attainable. Even if they require relearning deeply ingrained patterns.
When you replace toxicity with empathy and care for self and other, your relationship transforms. You’ll be amazed at the positive ripple effects making these shifts can have in all areas of your life.
The key is taking that first step and committing to the journey together one day at a time.
You’ve got this!
And I’m here cheering you both on.
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https://www.happypartnersproject.com/blogs/rules-of-engagement/effective-communication2023-12-17T10:00:02-05:002023-12-17T10:00:02-05:007 Strategies to Enhance Your Relationship through Effective CommunicationJocelyn Johnson
These Simple Tweaks Deliver Major Improvement
Communication lies at the heart of every healthy relationship, serving as the cornerstone for understanding, empathy, and connection. Improving communication within a relationship involves a series of essential elements that can transform the dynamics and foster a stronger, more profound connection between partners.
Active Listening:
One of the fundamental pillars of effective communication is active listening. It involves giving your partner undivided attention, truly hearing what they have to say without interrupting, and demonstrating empathy. By actively listening, you create a safe space for your partner to express themselves openly. We’ve got a 5-minute lesson on this in our Creating Conscious Relationships Course. Check it out here.
Expressing Yourself:
Communication is a two-way street. It’s crucial to share your thoughts, feelings, and needs openly and honestly. Expressing yourself helps your partner understand your perspective, contributing to mutual understanding and trust. But not everyone knows how to effectively communicate with their partners. That’s where the Relationship Check-In Method comes in handy. Coined “Couples Therapy in a Box”, the Check-In deck and products coach you on how to strengthen (or learn from scratch) the best approaches for communicating with your partner.
Being Respectful:
Maintaining respect during communication is vital. Communicate calmly, refrain from placing blame or criticism, and use “I” statements to express your feelings. This approach fosters a more constructive dialogue and avoids unnecessary conflicts. Our Relationship Check-In Method gives step by step coaching on how to be respectful in communication. Partners also read Check-In Commitments at the top of each session, learning the core principles to respectful communication.
Clarify and Confirm:
Misunderstandings are common in communication. To avoid them, repeat what you’ve heard to ensure understanding. Don’t hesitate to ask for clarification if needed. This simple step helps prevent confusion and ensures both partners are on the same page. In Happy Partners Project land we call this “Validating your partner” and it works w-o-n-d-e-r-s!
Setting Aside Time for Relationship Check-Ins:
In our fast-paced lives, dedicating specific moments to talk is crucial. By setting aside time for meaningful conversations, partners create an open and safe environment for discussions, allowing for deeper connections and problem-solving.
Compromise:
Healthy communication often involves finding common ground. Be willing to compromise and seek solutions that benefit both partners. This willingness to find a middle ground strengthens the relationship by fostering a sense of equality and mutual respect.
Seeking Help if Needed:
There’s no shame in seeking professional guidance. If communication challenges persist, consider seeking counseling or therapy. Professionals can offer valuable tools and guidance to enhance communication skills within the relationship. Interested in working with the creator of the Relationship Check-In Method? Book an “Exploring Possibilities” call with Jocelyn Johnson. However, counseling costs couples an average of $7,500 per year, which makes it unaccessible to many. The Relationship Check-In (TM) Method ($59.99) achieves similar results for a fraction of the price.
In conclusion, effective communication is the bedrock of a thriving relationship. By implementing these key strategies — active listening, open expression, respect, clarification, dedicated time, compromise, and seeking help when needed — couples can cultivate deeper connections, mutual understanding, and a more fulfilling partnership.
At Happy Partners Project, we believe in supporting healthy and fulfilling relationships. Our range of products is designed to enhance communication and intimacy, providing tools and resources to nurture meaningful connections. Explore our collection and take a step toward a stronger, more loving relationship today.
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https://www.happypartnersproject.com/blogs/rules-of-engagement/how-to-give-yourself-compassion-when-you-re-triggered2022-05-21T15:37:56-04:002022-05-21T15:37:57-04:00How to Give Yourself Compassion When You’re TriggeredJocelyn Johnson
Do you shame yourself for reacting based on old patterns? Here’s how to change that.
Shame is easy.
And it’s easy to lose sight of how far you’ve come.
But guess what —
Two steps forward and one step back is still P R O G R E S S!
So when you’re interrupting your old patterns, this equation can get your brain back into an empowered, empathetic state.
It’s important to acknowledge where you were and why before re-committing to where you’re headed.
Here I’ll break down the steps and will use the example from my life recently. So first, a little background — I’m a new mom, as of January 2022, which comes with a set of new insights and areas of self-exploration as my little one lights up awareness of my old programming. A few weeks into motherhood, I had planned to make brownies with my bonus kiddo, who is 10, but when the baby decided to skip her nap and crash our party, it added a layer of stress as she cried while I tried to honor my commitment to our 10-year-old. My emotions bubbled up, I felt overwhelmed in the stress and, after passing the baby to my partner, went to the bathroom to cry it out. I sobbed…and sobbed…and sobbed.
As I was coming out of my sob hole, a very clear thought came up — “Clean yourself up before you go out there, or they will know you’re upset and it will cause another problem.” This thought hit me like a truck — not because I was encouraging myself to emotionally bypass and avoid intimacy and vulnerability (a toxic behavior in itself) but because this was an old pattern I thought I had healed. I started to go to shame about this backward movement. But I was able to shift that using the equation for self-compassion and you’ll get a little more insight into the origin of this belief — “When I share my emotions, it causes a problem.”
Step 1: Acknowledge the behavior.
Noticing is a huge step that we often bypass and certainly don’t often credit as a win. When your Inner Observer can see the behavior, as an outside objective person could, you’re on your way to reprogramming it. And stating it this way, just as you would note the “sky is blue” removes any labeling from the experience and allows the behavior to be just that — something that’s happened.
For me that looked like: “Wow. I wanted to bypass my emotions as a way to prevent conflict…
Step 2: State an explanation for why and give yourself compassionate understanding
Compassionate understanding is really saying to empathize with yourself, or in this case, your former self and former selves. And part of that process is understanding why you’d behave or feel a certain way. With this action, you’re validating your experience and bearing witness to your wound. Often we look outside ourselves for this kind of validation but when we can give it to ourself, it starts to be given to us effortlessly in turn.
For me that looked like: “And I can understand why, because any time I showed emotion when I was wounded by my primary caregiver it caused a bigger blowout between my parents. I learned that showing emotion was unsafe.”
Step 3: Recommit to your new goal behavior
The brain is primitive in the sense that it organizes primarily to prevent harm and doesn’t distinguish nuance. This automatic system is also sophisticated in that it moves quickly, as it had to over the centuries, to keep us safe. What’s magical is that with mindfulness we can actually override that automatic operating system. By telling our brain what to program we “fire and wire”, as neuroscience calls it, new neural pathways (operating protocol). So the third step is to tell your brain what you’re actually committed to moving forward.
For me that looked like: “Today, I’m no longer hiding my emotions and avoiding communication. It’s ok to be emotional and it’s ok if my family sees me upset. I am committed to being vulnerable, open and honest. And, I am strong enough to handle the conversation that needs to happen on this issue.”
Those are the steps for self-compassion through change as you re-wire your behaviors and beliefs. And the beauty of this equation is that it doesn’t have to be done in real-time as your trigger is unfolding. You could apply this process to any event in your past that is wrapped in shame.
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https://www.happypartnersproject.com/blogs/rules-of-engagement/a-blueprint-for-mastering-the-masculine-feminine-in-romantic-relationships2022-01-16T06:00:01-05:002022-01-16T06:00:01-05:00A Blueprint For Mastering the Masculine Feminine in Romantic RelationshipsJocelyn Johnson
“The Masculine in Relationship” Author GS Youngblood Dishes Relationship Wisdom
As a relationship coach, I’m always reading the latest books on relationships, mindfulness, life design and anything that will resource me to create the best container for my clients. When I decided to buy “The Masculine in Relationship”, written by GS Youngblood, my main goal was to seek to understand the masculine role better. What I didn’t expect was that it would shed so much light on how to be more feminine in relationship and lend insights into the polarity dynamic that exists in all relationships — a concept also largely popularized in the “Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus” and “Beyond Mars and Venus” books written by John Gray.
We discuss:
Polarity in relationships
The Three Elements of Masculine in Relationship — Structure, Respond vs React and Create Safety
How men (or the more masculine partner) can communicate with their women (or more feminine partner)
Jocelyn: Tell me a little bit about how the book came to be and what you wanted to achieve.
GS: Sure. Well, let me first just say it’s great to be on here with you Jocelyn. I was excited for this conversation and I’m glad to share this topic with you this morning.
"So I started on this journey in a ball of flames which was a divorce — that happened about 10 years ago. And I was married to a very strong woman at the time."
And, you know, it’s enticing, she was like smart and accomplished and confident, and it was all those things that drew me to her, yet I didn’t necessarily know how to be with that strength, and how to really compliment the strength that she had with my own groundedness and power.
I was lost in that regard, and so by the end of that relationship, I had really retreated back and let go of my preferences and boundaries, and really just tried to keep the peace, which of course made her increasingly enraged. [W]hat I thought would make things better, would actually make things worse. And so coming out of that situation, I knew there had to be a better way.
Jocelyn: What strikes me is that it seems that there’s been a little bit of dissent from the idea that polarity is essential, that it exists, that there is a masculine or a feminine; we’re all just equal; I don’t disagree with any of that, but I do think setting a framework around how you’re viewing masculine energy in relation to feminine and the polarity dynamic that exists [is important]. Talk a little bit about that.
GS: So I think where we can start is — “what is this polarity dynamic? Why the hell are we even talking about this? We’re all the same.” Imagine at work. We’re all the same because we’re all humans, but at some point you need somebody to just stand up, and be like, “hey, this is where we’re headed.” And it’s a relief to the people in the company to have somebody stand up and say, “Okay, this is the direction.” Now you have a similar dynamic in relationship.
"You can have two people, both who are very capable, both who can work full-time, get things done, be self-sufficient in a lot of ways with each other, but it’s in those times of intimacy, if you’re kind of the same, it’s actually not that juicy."
Whereas if you have what’s called polarity, where you have kind of more of a directive energy and more of a receptive energy in those times of intimacy, that’s what can be actually really juicy. That’s the part of the case to be made for having a polarity.
Jocelyn: [It also] becomes so important for the feminine. You’re obviously taking it from the perspective of, “Hey guys, you can step into your masculine leadership.” — the way you position it so beautifully in the book that I love, is about the ‘masculine core’.
I have so many women who message me when I talk about the over-expressed masculinity in a woman, and they say, “This is me. And how do I get out of my masculine? Because it’s become so second nature.”
It’s about you equally receiving and being able to surrender, and looking at the areas where you’re expressed as you’re hyper-masculine. And that is why I really enjoyed reading your book because as you were talking about the three elements of the blueprint I had those “Aha, yes!” moments realizing that my responsibility on the other side of [the three elements] is to be in the allowing.
GS: Yes. It’s a choice to surrender on the feminine’s part. It’s not unlike the old days where it was compulsion. Now it’s really a choice. That’s what I say to men — you’re putting out an invitation now. It’s not “Okay, now I’m in charge, I’m the man.” It’s “Here’s my invitation for my leadership, and you can choose whether to pick it up or not.” And as you pointed out, the blueprint is that template for a man because this “being in your masculine” can baffle a lot of guys. The Blueprint was really intended to give them something actionable that they can follow like a real framework they can implement in their life.
Jocelyn: What’s the distinction between the previously understood definition of masculine, and how you’re reframing that in this book and with your work?
GS: The masculine-feminine dynamic was compulsion before. And it worked in a lot of ways. I know it’s controversial to say that but in a lot of ways it worked because you had a lead, and you had a follow just like at work where you’ve got different levels of the corporation — you know who’s leading and you know who’s following. Now it’s a choice.
"It’s an invitation, it’s not compulsion. And that puts the pressure on the men, because they’re no longer anointed in some kind of role of leadership. They actually have to earn it, and they earn it through the blueprint."
You have to learn to be more grounded, to be more choiceful, and that’s what the first element of the blueprint is about. You have to learn to offer structure in the relationship, whether it’s decisiveness, or clarity or structures for how you’ll do things, but offer them in an inclusive way. And you have to create emotional safety for your woman.
Jocelyn: One of the core elements that you talk about is to respond versus react. I think every woman (or the more feminine partner) out there can identify when she had a frustration, and her [partner] immediately comes back to her with “Well but, Well but, Well but, I did this or that.” And I love this one — pulling out the cell phone and saying, “Well, let’s go back and see actually, what time did I send that?” to compare notes of “You’re saying I sent it at noon, but let’s go look at exactly what I said here.” And this is just really not effective in understanding the female perspective when she’s flared up in and hypervigilant on her emotional state. So, what do you say to guys about responding versus reacting in that kind of scenario?
GS: Well, I’m gonna bounce right off the scenario you just said. You know, I have a very short phrase in the book, “Feelings first, facts later.” We always wanna go to facts and we’re whipping out the cell phone, as you said, and say what time did I send that text? And I had the laugh because I’ve actually been in that situation. So just laughing at the absurdity of the truth in that.
And look, it’s our nature, so let’s be gentle on ourselves men, but you gotta stop doing what doesn’t work. You’ve got to go to that feeling level first. So, when your woman is emotional you have to meet her in that emotional space before bringing up any facts or defending or explaining. Once you do that, once you meet her in that emotional place, she’s way, way more open to the facts and having sort of more of a rational discussion about it. But you’ve got to have the emotional discussion first.
So whether you’re taking responsibility or not, you’re going first to acknowledge her feelings. And that’s generally how I advise men to proceed even though that’s way easier said than done.
Jocelyn: You and I talked about culpability in our pre-chat. When you’re showing up for your partner’s emotions, it’s not necessarily saying “Okay, I was wrong and I am bad for doing this.” It’s saying, “I can see how this affected you”, or “I can see that you’re hurting right now.” And perhaps her partner doesn’t fully understand how she got from A, to B to C, to D, to where now she’s flared up, but he can see that she’s frustrated. And even just that acknowledgement of the experience that she’s in, can bring her down to a place of feeling seen and heard.
GS: Yeah. Well that’s the catnip here for the feminine is being seen. You guys wanna be seen for what is actually happening in the moment. And men tend to go towards culpability a little too readily [to determine] whose fault [it is]. There’s another phrase in the book, “Hear the pain not the blame.” Either there’s overt blame or you’re projecting her blaming [onto yourself] — it can actually happen both ways. Push that aside, just hear that your [partner is] in pain — that’s all you have to do. Even though you probably feel like she’s radioactive, you don’t want anything to do with her; you go over there and you pull her in. And, in 90% of the cases, that’s gonna have an amazing effect.
Jocelyn: If you’re being attacked, it seems natural that the masculine who has been a fighter type of energy for a long time says “Okay, attack back or flee”. How would you coach a guy that you’re working with on this particular element of the blueprint when he literally is under siege?
GS: Yep, totally. It’s all about the nervous system. When the nervous system is jacked up, you’re always gonna fail. You’re gonna do something that is basically counterproductive. It’s all about settling the nervous system. And my experience, my direct experience, I’m not just talking theory like this is my life, the more I settle my nervous system through various means, everything just gets easier. Because my nervous system is more settled, I have more capacity for humor, I don’t project as much, and so everything just seems a little easier. So I think for me over the last 10 years, the world hasn’t changed; my nervous system’s settled down, and it just seems different. Everything seems much easier for me than it did, even just a few years ago, quite frankly. So that’s my answer to your question: …learn to settle your nervous system. I always recommend a daily embodiment practice. This is what I teach each and every one of my clients — we do 15 minutes of embodiment at the beginning of our sessions, and I encourage them to have a daily practice of meditation, breathing and movement. And so really it all comes down to that — keeping yourself out of that state of threat, that fight or flight, everything will get easier for you, everything, in terms of this you know, moments of intensity.
Jocelyn: You also talk about creating safety in the relationship. Do you see safety and protection as the same thing? And how do you distinguish between the two, if not?
GS: There’s physical, financial and emotional safety. So let’s maybe touch on each of those things. Let’s do financial first, cause this is the trickiest one, right? Because so many women are just earning their own money. So it’s not like you’ve got to provide for the woman in a lot of cases these days.
I think most women wanna feel like their man is creating something in the world, and that creation is creating also some financial security whether it’s just his half or not. So you know, I have a friend who’s a coach and a filmmaker and he’s not making a lot of money, and he’s following his dream, but he’s not making a lot of money. And he really, well, I shouldn’t say that, but he could make a choice to go back to web development, but he doesn’t, he wants to be a filmmaker, and his wife is constantly saying what’s your plan? What’s your plan? And I can feel the tension on the tearing of their polarity because of it, and I just think that’s an example of like, it’s great to follow your dreams, but I think ultimately a lot of the feminine wants to feel like you’re kind of producing in a certain way. So whether or not the man is actually providing for her, I think that this kind of dynamic needs to exist. She needs to feel like he’s actually succeeding in a certain way.
Physical is [protecting] her in the streets against the guy that tries to mug you, but I think that’s a little too obvious. There’s way more subtle things to do. Like my last relationship, I actually got her fire extinguishers, I got her an air horn, I put mase in her car, you know, a bunch of those things where that would protect her. I would always make her text me when she got home after driving home late at night, so that the loop was closed. And those were all ways that I could physically protect her.
And then [there’s] emotional safety. Part of it is validating your woman, another big part is coming through on your word.
"When you say you’re gonna do something, you gotta do it, because if you don’t, she doesn’t feel your tethering. You’re not a fulcrum anymore around which she can orbit in terms of her expectations and orientation towards you in the world. And so coming through on your word is another way to create emotional safety along with validating her feelings."
So to me, and Jocelyn I’d love your reflection on this, safety creation is the number one thing you can do, to have your woman open to you — emotionally, physically, and in any other way.
Jocelyn: Well, I think following through on your commitments is just huge, especially from the beginning of any relationship. It provides very subtle signs of whether or not your partner can put their full trust and faith in you, if they know you’re gonna follow through on your word.
"If you can’t trust someone’s word, how can you trust them in other categories? It’s really where the brain goes. Even if you could trust them in other categories, the brain is like, well, this is a very simple thing to do, say what you mean and mean what you say, and follow through. So I think that’s like one of the most strong trust building tactics that you can have, and that trust creates safety."
Jocelyn: The only one we haven’t touched on from the blueprint if you wanna go there is structure and what it looks like to set structure for the relationship. And this one, I find particularly interesting when it comes to the distinction between what it’s like to lead in the relationship versus call the shots. And what it looks like to set a structure that provides a container and some guardrails, and some guidance, and is also still inclusive of the woman in the relationship.
GS: Yeah, my experience is, and I’m gonna generalize here so just give me some latitude, but the feminine is wanting some penetrative directionality from their masculine partner, with inclusion of their own needs and preferences. And I’ll just sort of pause, and I’ll let that sink in. It’s like you want us to come with a point of view. Now in business school, I had a professor, he’s like, you got to have a view. You know, if you’re gonna exist in the business world, you’ve gotta have a view and then operate from that, and then, you know, change is necessary, and the feminine at the energetic level, the feminine wants the masculine to come in with some kind of direction and view, but then because we’re talking about modern strong women, they wanna be included as well, and so it’s kind of like, “I think that we should go to X tonight. How does that land for you? Or I wanna to dinner to either the Japanese place or the Greek place? Like how do either of those land for you?” So I’m coming, and I’m not saying, what do you want to do? I’m actually stopping to form an opinion, which most men don’t even do but then I’m including you. Like how does that land for you? And if you trust me enough, you know that you can either say A or B or you can, you can be like I don’t want to do either of those. And then I won’t go into like being hurt because you didn’t take my suggestions, I’ll say oh, how about the Thai place that we kept saying that we wanted to go to? So I’m again bringing the direction, but I’m including you.
It’s like providing the riverbanks so [the feminine partner] can flow, and within that, [the feminine partner] can flow however [they] want and have a lot of discretion. We also use the tango example of the lead providing a strong structure, but he also leaves space for [his partner] to embellish, and to have to improvise on [their] own. And that’s the dance, literally and metaphorically, that I think feels good.
Jocelyn: So [it’s that you’re] checking in with your partner…to allow her to have her voice, and so in that way, you are also creating an environment of allowing her to have a voice, and not just steamrolling over her with your decisions and your opinions. Yet you’re still taking a stance, which I think is so important to do that delicately —
"you are taking that stance, you are putting the opinions and the roots in the ground, but allowing for there to be some flexibility that brings her expression into the context."
GS: Yep. It’s the inclusion part.
"The masculine doesn’t have to make the decisions, the masculine’s just gotta make sure that decisions get made, so he’s facilitating the process forward, so a decision gets made there’s clarity for everybody. Whether or not he makes that decision could be totally irrelevant."
[For example, if] I’m in a relationship with somebody and I know a decision has got to get made, but I know it’s her decision, like maybe it’s a decision if is she gonna put her parents in an old folks home, or something like that, where it’s really more of her decision, but she’s been procrastinating. I see her procrastinating so I maybe I create some structures like, “We’re gonna sit down, and we’re gonna spend an hour and we’re gonna research your options, and by the end of that, you’re gonna make a decision on this, because you’ve gotta quit procrastinating on this. And I’m not even gonna talk to you until we sit down and do this.” So he’s provided structure but she’s still gotta make the decision. And so I think that’s an example of what the masculine can bring.
Jocelyn: And I actually remember reading that example in the book and thinking, “This is so genius because he’s also showing up for her in that moment, which again, just it’s like adding to the safety, and this leadership element of the blueprint that you’re talking about. They all, each one of these [elements]…each support each other.
GS: Yep, totally. And I wanna just elaborate on one thing you said, so if you over index on respond versus react, you’re gonna to be kind of that stiff like military guy. You know this type — they think they’re being masculine, but they’re kind of just like bunged up, and they don’t react to anything, cause they’re just so clenched and tight. And, if you over-index on provide structure, you are an alpha male misogynist; you’re just alpha bro.
Jocelyn: Yep. That’s the toxic masculine that everyone flares up about when they hear masculine alone, they think that you’re talking about that side of masculine.
GS: Yeah. And if you over-index on create safety, guess what? You’re a nice guy because you’re so safe for everybody, that there’s no edge and there’s no attraction. So you’re right. This is an integrated blueprint that you gotta really embody all three, and that’s what feels good.
Jocelyn: Well, I have thoroughly enjoyed this conversation our other conversation, I hope we’ll have many, many more conversations. Is there any one last piece of advice that you would, or maybe guidance, guidance maybe better, for guys who are with a strong woman and maybe feeling at the end of the road?
GS: Stop blaming her.
Jocelyn: So take responsibility.
GS: Yeah. Without taking taking blame. You’re saying, “I am the solution. I don’t care who’s the problem, I’m the solution.” And what that means is I’m gonna change my way of being, because if you’re at the end of your rope, like you said, you’ve gotta give this the best chance and make sure you’ve left it all on the field to use a sports analogy. And if you’ve kind of showed up and you’re not grounded, but you’re reactive, if you don’t really provide structure and if you don’t create safety, like of course you’re woman’s all crazy and acting, you know, acting up all the time. Like, what did you expect? So you bring it first by learning these principles. If it doesn’t work at that point, then what you know is you’ve got a woman who is maybe just really wounded because of her own past, and maybe it’s not the right relationship for you. Maybe she needs to take her own journey, but until you really bring it, you don’t know that. And you will be amazed, man, at how quickly she can change, in certain ways, when you start doing these three things. You’ll be like, I didn’t know, it could be this way, it’s crazy.
Jocelyn: I love that. I mean it is hard to look in retrospect, but it’s so beautiful to see that like when you change, the world around you changes in response.
Jocelyn Johnson is the founder of Happy Partners Project and the creator of the Relationship Check-In (TM) Method, the acclaimed science and psych-backed process for strengthening relationships and empowering couples to create their best relationship. She coaches couples and individuals to integrate conscious relationships habits, heal relational wounds and accelerate change. She is certified in Cognitive Behavioral Coaching, Neuro-linguistic Programming and Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy.
This post is from Happy Partners Project which creates science and psych-backed products that support couples and individuals with building and sustaining healthy and blissful relationships.
Happy Partners Project is also the creator of the acclaimed “Relationship Check-In™ Method” — a science and psych-backed process for strengthening relationships.
The belief is that happier partners build happier homes and ultimately have healthier communication, greater life satisfaction and increased emotional intelligence.
For those couples who have children, we also believe that modeling healthy relationships will have legacy effects on the next generation of emotionally intelligent, well-adjusted humans.
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https://www.happypartnersproject.com/blogs/rules-of-engagement/if-youre-not-doing-this-youre-likely-not-one-of-the-happiest-couples2022-01-14T09:00:00-05:002022-01-14T09:00:00-05:00If You're Not Doing This, You're Likely Not One of the Happiest CouplesJocelyn Johnson
Eharmony Study Shows Happiest Couples Have One Habit in Common
I have yet to meet an individual who aspires to beunhappyin their relationship. And yet, many couples find themselves unhappy in the relationship. Old patterns and life experiences trains our brains to recreate what’s familiar and most times, that’s not always healthy.
But there are habits that happy couples practice that have been proven to increase overall relationship satisfaction. Dating and relationship matching service eharmony surveyed their community in their Annual Happiness Index to find that couples who equally balanced quality time together and sex reported the the highest levels of happiness in their relationships.
In previous years, eharmony’s same report found that those who implemented Words of Affirmation and appreciation ranked highest for happiness in their relationships.
Both Quality Time and Words of Affirmation are amongGary Chapmans “Five Love Languages”and are core to the Relationship Check-In (TM) Method by Happy Partners Project.
As the year reaches completion, Happy Partners Project has found that over half of couples who took itsRelationship Happiness quizare happy in their relationships. It also found that 31% of respondents have a regular gratitude practice, while another 32% reported that they both express gratitude on a consistent basis but it’s not a “ritual” yet.
Today, you can take inventory of your relationship:
How would you rank the balance between Quality Time and Sex in your relationship on a scale of 0 to 5? (0=No Balance at All, We’re either extreme in one or the other and 5=We have great balance between quality time and sex)
How often am I expressing gratitude / appreciation to my partner? How often are they expressing gratitude / appreciation to me? On a scale of 0–5, how satisfied am I with the current rate of gratitude? (0=Not Satisfied at All, 5= Very Satisfied, Wouldn’t change a thing.) And lastly, if you ranked anything below a 5, what could you do from here forward that would move that number up one level?
I invite you to share your responses to either of these prompts in the comments and if here’s another great read on additional habits of Happy Couples.
Jocelyn Johnsonis the founder of Happy Partners Project and the creator of the Relationship Check-In (TM) Method, the acclaimed science and psych-backed process for strengthening relationships and empowering couples to create their best relationship. She coaches couples and individuals to integrate conscious relationships habits, heal relational wounds and accelerate change. She is certified in Cognitive Behavioral Coaching, Neuro-linguistic Programming and Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy.
Find her at @itsjocelynj on Instagram and www.jocelynjohnson.coach.
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https://www.happypartnersproject.com/blogs/rules-of-engagement/what-to-do-when-your-partner-is-emotionally-flared-up2022-01-10T06:00:00-05:002022-01-10T06:00:00-05:00What to do When Your Partner is Emotionally “Flared Up”Jocelyn Johnson
Solving Conflict according to Two Relationship Coaches
If you’ve ever been in a relationship, then you know that it comes with both its joys and its trials. But how can you shift a fight from being “on trial” to being more supportive and constructive?
At Happy Partners Project, our mantra is to shift your view from “You vs Me” to “You+Me vs the problem” which ultimately shifts the agenda from one of competition — who wins, who is right, who is wrong? — to one of collaboration — we’re in this together to find a mutually-satisfying solution.
Still, there are times when one partner is emotionally “flared up” and the other partner can feel “under attack” so what’s that partner to do?
Calm Your Nervous System and Separate Yourself From The Intensity
Jocelyn: When you are met with heightened emotion a natural instinct can be to match that intensity in your reaction. Instead, take a breath (perhaps try Box Breathing) and bring yourself back to listening for the root of the issue your partner has raised. If you’re equally as activated in the moment, your ears and heart will shut off and you’ll depart from you+me vs the problem. When you separate yourself from “I=the problem”, you’re then able to open your ears and your heart to truly listening to your partner’s concerns.
GS Youngblood: It’s all about the nervous system. When the nervous system is jacked up, you’re always gonna fail. You’re gonna do something that is basically counterproductive. It’s all about settling the nervous system. And my experience, my direct experience, I’m not just talking theory like this is my life, the more I settle my nervous system through various means, everything just gets easier. Because my nervous system is more settled, I have more capacity for humor, I don’t project as much, and so everything just seems a little easier. Also, learning to ground yourself to Respond versus React [one of the three elements of Youngblood’s “Blueprint”), and then from that place, you can have the capacity to be to actually feel instead of being in a protective. I think that’s the problem, is when [we] go to protective, [we] can’t feel [our partners], we’re just clenching. So if I’m clenching, I can’t feel you.
Validate Your Partner’s Experience (which is not the same as “taking the blame”)
GS Youngblood: Hear that your [partner is] in pain — that’s all you have to do. I have a very short phrase in the book, “Feelings first, facts later.” We always wanna go to facts. You’ve got to go to that feeling level first. So, when your [partner] is emotional you have to meet [them] in that emotional space before bringing up any facts or defending or explaining. Once you do that [they will be] way more open to the facts and having more of a rational discussion about it. So whether you’re taking responsibility or not, you’re going first to acknowledge her feelings. [In my book,] I’ve got a whole list of ways that you can respond to your woman when she’s upset. Number one — it’s empathy. [T]he catnip here for the feminine is being seen. [The feminine partner] wants to be seen for what is actually happening in the moment. And [the masculine partner] tends to go towards culpability a little too readily [to determine] whose fault [it is]. There’s another phrase in the book, “Hear the pain not the blame.”
Jocelyn: Rational and emotional communicate on separate wavelengths, so it’s important to meet on the same level — emotional first in emotionally intense times. Because, when our partner feels seen and heard, their emotional intensity can relax and it brings the dynamic back to connection instead of separateness. One way to do this is to repeat back to your partner what you’re hearing them say. If they say they feel left out, or overwhelmed or pissed off, repeat this back to them — “I hear that you’re pissed off / overwhelmed / feeling left out.” If they aren’t using those specific words, still try to attune yourself to their emotional state and note what you observe: “I can tell you’re really upset by what happened.” Perhaps you don’t fully understand how [your partner] got from A, to B to C, to D, to where now they are flared up, but you can see that your partner is frustrated. And even just that acknowledgement of the experience that your partner is in, can bring them down to a place of feeling seen and heard.
In my Creating Conscious Relationship audio course, I share three different lessons that support this approach — 1. How to Actively Listen to Build Trust 2. Healthy Conflict Resolution and 3. The Difference Between Rational and Emotional Communication
Jocelyn: As mentioned, maybe you don’t fully understand how the situation went from A to Z. As a former coach of mine, Breck Costin, used to say: “Go for the information.” This means, go to curiosity. Some helpful phrases can be “help me understand this better.” or “I’m hearing you say this, is that what you mean?”
GS Youngblood: Sometimes empathy doesn’t work. Sometimes you’re like, “What the…? I don’t get this. This is crazy.” Then you go to curiosity, you just be honest. “I feel you, and I want you to know I’m right here, but I have no idea what’s happening right now.” [You can also say] “Tell me more.” or “I wanna hear more about your upsets.” In some cases, that can totally disarm. So if you can’t genuinely understand try to feel what she’s feeling, then you go to curiosity.
Know When to Set a Boundary…And a Pause from the Discussion…But Maintain a Connection
GS Youngblood: Sometimes it gets to a boundary. Sometimes it’s not okay [when] the emotional turmoil can turn into abuse. Sometimes it’s like “No, we’re not gonna do that.” And that’s one thing I do is say, “Nope, we’re not fighting right now. It’s not happening.” If you’re gonna set a boundary, you have to stay in connection. It’s not like “No, we’re not doing that,” and then out the door [because then] the connection just got severed. [Instead] you’d say, “I’m right here, but no, and I love you, and I’m still connected to you, and I’m still with you, but no.” If you can maintain the connection through whatever you’re doing like you’re just gonna be a 100% more successful typically, because that’s what [your partner is]craving — the maintenance of that connection. Maintain the connection at all times, whatever you’re doing.
Jocelyn: I often get asked, “Is it better to go to bed angry or to stay up all night until you reach a solution?” and my answer to that is that it’s better to approach conflict when you’re both able to be best resourced — and if you’re tired, sick, hungry, depleted, you’re not resourced to take on a Marathon Fight over night.
In any situation where one or both of the partners are “maxxed out” and either or both want to “tap out” here are a few guiding steps: 1. Voice that you’re maxxed out and can’t continue the conversation. 2. Assure your partner that this is still very important to you and reaching a solution is a priority 3. Establish a time frame for when to revisit the discussion — in the morning, the next day after work, if you need a full day of space to reflect, that’s ok too. 4. Ensure your partner is in collaboration with the timeline as appropriate. Your partner could counter-request and say, for instance, do you think we could meet tomorrow instead or do you need 2 full days of space? 5. Follow through! This one is the MOST important. Once the timeline is set, make sure to come back to it as planned.
Add Levity and Physical Connection, When It Feels Needed
GS Youngblood: Even though you probably feel like [your partner is]radioactive, you don’t want anything to do with [them]; you go over there and you pull [them] in. And, in 90% of the cases, that’s gonna have an amazing effect.
[Another] thing you can do [is] humor. You know, sometimes, [the situation] is ridiculous, and [we] need to use humor to really save [our partner]. I hesitate to use those words but humor demolishes drama. And so sometimes humor really works. Humor at the right times [can be] really refreshing. Cause then you’re like, “Okay, you know, I’m being ridiculous, and then you trust [your partner] more. Cause [they] actually led you to a place you couldn’t go on your own in that moment.” Now the dark side of that is when you try to use humor to dodge. Don’t use it to dodge the gravity of the moment, use it judiciously. And then if it’s not landing, if [your partner is] getting more pissed off, [acknowledge that]. “All right, sorry. I just wanted to try to lighten it up, let me back off.” And then back off [the humor].
So, there you have it! — few strategies to diffuse a heightened emotional state, reach a healthier place for conflict resolution and bridge connection over separation during emotionally intense times.
Which have you tried and which are you eager to test out?
NOTE: A portion of this article was sourced from an interview between myself and GS Youngblood, which can be viewed in full here.
Jocelyn Johnson is the founder of Happy Partners Project and the creator of the Relationship Check-In (TM) Method, the acclaimed science and psych-backed process for strengthening relationships and empowering couples to create their best relationship. She coaches couples and individuals to integrate conscious relationships habits, heal relational wounds and accelerate change. She is certified in Cognitive Behavioral Coaching, Neuro-linguistic Programming and Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy.
This post is from Happy Partners Project which creates science and psych-backed products that support couples and individuals with building and sustaining healthy and blissful relationships.
Happy Partners Project is also the creator of the acclaimed “Relationship Check-In™ Method” — a science and psych-backed process for strengthening relationships.
The belief is that happier partners build happier homes and ultimately have healthier communication, greater life satisfaction and increased emotional intelligence.
For those couples who have children, we also believe that modeling healthy relationships will have legacy effects on the next generation of emotionally intelligent, well-adjusted humans.
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https://www.happypartnersproject.com/blogs/rules-of-engagement/7-affirmations-for-conscious-relationships2022-01-06T06:00:00-05:002022-01-06T06:00:00-05:007 Affirmations for Conscious RelationshipsJocelyn Johnson
Here’s how to make these affirmations power up your relationship
Science now shows your can actually re-wire your brain. Thanks to studies in neuroplasticity, the brain has been shown to be flexible, malleable instead of fixed as previously understood. In my practice area of Cognitive Behavioral Coaching and Neuro-Linguistic Programming, we look specifically at how your language, beliefs and words shape your brain — the mainframe operating system for your actions and behaviors.
Affirmations — powerful little phrases that are used to re-program a person’s mindset — are one of the tools in this process. The more you say them, the more your brain starts to adopt them as its primary operating structure in any particular category.
If you’re not already a fan of affirmations, here are two ways to use them:
Combat automatic negative thoughts. If you’re looping on a negative thought, one way to start to reprogram the brain is to find the opposite and frame up a positive affirmation. So if your negative automatic thought is “I’m such a failure.” a positive affirmation to replace it would be “I succeed at many of my tasks.” or “I am successful more often than not.” As affirmation-critics may point out, these only work if you believe them and often times if our negative automatic thought is “I’m such a failure” that is usually the more dominant belief…to start. And that brings us to our second way to use affirmations.
Initiate a dialogue with the Inner Critic. When we don’t believe something, our Inner Critic will come in like that know-it-all we all loved to hate in grade-school. The Inner Critic will come in bossy; it will come in loud; it will come in to tell you all the reasons your new positive affirmation is so unavoidably and clearly wrong. This is a huge gift because once we have an awareness of that Inner Critic’s voice and all its go-to arguments, we can start to disempower the Inner Critic. From that point is where true transformation and liberation takes form.
So while you can work on your own personal beliefs, you can also use affirmations to powerfully shift your relationships.
Here are 7 affirmations for creating a Conscious Relationship.
The love between my partner and me is stronger than our fights and misunderstandings.
My partner and I give our relationship the time and attention it deserves.
I never pretend to be somebody else when I am with my partner.
I know I am worthy of love, and I deserve to be in a loving and healthy relationship.
I am committed to creating a healthy, open, conscious relationship.
I take ownership of my role in my relationships.
I give and receive unconditional love.
Now, that you have these affirmations for creating a conscious relationship, here is a tip on how to work with these affirmations in practice.
You can handwrite them 10 or more times on a piece of paper then say them out loud with varying intonations. This is the most impactful way to do it. Alternatively, you can do one or the other — write or say them out loud. This is best done daily or multiple times a week.
For those of you who like to go deeper, divide your paper into two columns. On the left side write the affirmations and on the right side capture the voice of your Inner Critic.
To further uplevel your conscious relationship habits, visit Happy Partners Project for the acclaimed Relationship Check-In (TM) deck already being used by over 15,000 people, relationship courses and free resources like this one!
Jocelyn Johnson is the founder of Happy Partners Project and the creator of the Relationship Check-In (TM) Method, the acclaimed science and psych-backed process for strengthening relationships and empowering couples to create their best relationship. She coaches couples and individuals to integrate conscious relationships habits, heal relational wounds and accelerate change. She is certified in Cognitive Behavioral Coaching, Neuro-linguistic Programming and Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy.
This post is from the Happy Partners Project — a mission-driven e-commerce company designing and delivering products that support couples and individuals with building and sustaining healthy and blissful relationships.
Happy Partners Project is also the creator of the acclaimed “Relationship Check-In™ Method” — a science and psych-backed process for strengthening relationships.
The belief is that happier partners build happier homes and ultimately have healthier communication, greater life satisfaction and increased emotional intelligence.
For those couples who have children, we also believe that modeling healthy relationships will have legacy effects on the next generation of emotionally intelligent, well-adjusted humans.
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https://www.happypartnersproject.com/blogs/rules-of-engagement/ask-joce-how-can-i-be-better-about-giving-my-partner-the-benefit-of-the-doubt-12021-12-28T12:43:39-05:002021-12-28T12:43:39-05:00Ask Joce: How Can I Be Better About Giving My Partner the “Benefit of the Doubt”?Jocelyn Johnson
What does “Benefit of the Doubt” even mean? And how could it actually be unhealthy for your relationship?
This question comes up quite often: “How can we be better about giving each other the benefit of a doubt?” And it is a question that I was also recently asked in a client session.
First, what does “Benefit of the Doubt” even mean?
By dictionary definition, it’s giving your partner trust, even if there are doubts about it.
I find this troubling because sometimes we have a red flag feeling and gut intuition that should not be ignored. Blind trust is not the answer.
However, there are healthy and toxic ways to bridge a convesation with your partner.
I’d frame giving your partner the “Benefit of the Doubt” more appropriately as “Don’t jump to conclusions.”
When you are triggered, and you want to jump to conclusions about your partner’s intentions and actions, here’s the hack.
Rather than ignoring your intuition and trying to access “Benefit of the Doubt” blind trust, I encourage you to find “Alternative Perspective” instead.
Alternative Perspective is one strategy in Behavioral Change science and psychology for uprooting old behavioral patterns and reframing an activated situation with in-the-moment rationale.
For example, if I had a parent who cheated on the other parent, and have been cheated on, my brain starts to form a belief about fidelity in relationship and about the safety of partnership. I may create a belief that “all partners cheat, it’s just a matter of time.” From this position, I would then be waiting for that belief to be proven true, often hunting for the evidence and signs to prove it. So when my partner is delayed in returning a missed call, or shows up late after work, my brain will try to create a connection between these events and my belief “all partners cheat, it’s just a matter of time…and this is that time.”
This scenario includes many thought traps and creates associations between events that are highly likely to be unrelated.
Alternative Perspective disrupts this process.
Here’s a 4 step process for activating Alternative Perspective(sticking with the above example as our guide):
Acknowledge your automatic fear and reaction and ask yourself this question.
This could look like, “Wow, I’m feeling freaked out that my partner is late or not returning my call because they are cheating on me with someone else.”
Then ask yourself, “Do I have objective evidence to prove this or is this my fear and old historical pattern speaking up?”
The answer is very likely “No I don’t have evidence for this and yes it is my fears and old pattern talking.”
List at Least Three Alternate Explanations
Alternative Perspective is so powerful because the technique includes room for all possibilities to exist and acknowledges that just because you’re having an experience, it doesn’t make it absolute (i.e. 100% objective reality).
There could be a million alternative perspectives. When you’re triggered, and you want to put blame and shame onto your partner, I encourage you as I encourage my clients to find at least three alternative perspectives.
Three explanations for the above scenario could be: 1) My partner hasn’t seen my call yet. 2) My partner is having a crazy day at work and can’t be fully present with me for a call. 3) My partner usually calls me as soon as they have the chance and today will be no different.
At bare minimum, one alternative perspective you can always find is: “My partner was experiencing something that I have no idea about or possibly can’t even comprehend.”
If you find that you’re particularly activated and spinning out, turn to box breathing to down-regulate your anxiety. This will pull your brain out of fight, flight, freeze and its heightened emotional state into a calmer place.
Box breathing is a breathwork technique where you Inhale for 4 counts, Hold for 4 counts, Exhale for 4 counts and Hold for 4 counts, repeating 4 times or more.
Once Emotionally Neutral, Go to Curiosity, Connection, and maybe, a Request
Once you’re emotionally regulated, it’s important to then go to curiosity with your partner and to reveal what you were experiencing to create connection with them.
Curiosity: figure out what they were experiencing at that time that led to the situation unfolding.
Connection: by sharing what you experienced and the trigger of old beliefs, you create mutual understanding between you and your partner. They can then understand your needs and fears. They can meet you where you’re at and perhaps have more sensitivity when similar situations arise in future. This primes your partner to receive a request from you. And primes you both to create solutions together.
The Request: Once you’ve created connection and mutual understanding, you can then make a request. A request for the previous scenario would be: “If you see that I’ve called and will be too busy to call for awhile, can you shoot me a text telling me that you’ve seen my call and let me know when to expect you roughly?” Alternatively you may say: “In future, if I call and then don’t hear from you for a couple hours, I’m going to shoot you a text if I start spinning out so you know that I’m triggered.”
So in quick recap: Trade in benefit of the doubt for finding alternative perspectives and locate at least three. Go into curiosity. Share what you experienced with your partner, and ask your partner what they were experiencing in tandem so that you guys can reach a place of mutual understanding.
And remember, it’s rare that we both have the exact same perspective on any situation in life, whether it’s with a romantic partner, a friend or a person walking down the street. You can apply this process for any triggering situation that sends you spiraling.
Wish you nothing but love and healthy happy relationships from here on forward. You get to decide. You are the creator and designer of your life.
💕🚀
Joce
Jocelyn Johnson is the founder of Happy Partners Project and the creator of the Relationship Check-In (TM) Method, the acclaimed science and psych-backed process for strengthening relationships and empowering couples to create their best relationship. She coaches couples and individuals to integrate conscious relationships habits, heal relational wounds and accelerate change. She is certified in Cognitive Behavioral Coaching, Neuro-linguistic Programming and Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy.
This post is from the Happy Partners Project — a mission-driven e-commerce company designing and delivering products that support couples and individuals with building and sustaining healthy and blissful relationships.
Happy Partners Project is also the creator of the acclaimed “Relationship Check-In™ Method” — a science and psych-backed process for strengthening relationships.
The belief is that happier partners build happier homes and ultimately have healthier communication, greater life satisfaction and increased emotional intelligence.
For those couples who have children, we also believe that modeling healthy relationships will have legacy effects on the next generation of emotionally intelligent, well-adjusted humans.
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https://www.happypartnersproject.com/blogs/rules-of-engagement/6-ways-to-powerfully-navigate-holiday-stressors-with-your-partner2021-12-16T18:21:24-05:002021-12-16T18:21:25-05:006 Ways to Powerfully Navigate Holiday Stressors with your PartnerJocelyn Johnson
How to Beat the 33% Increase in Post-Holiday Divorce Filings!
Holiday season spikes divorce rates and separations, with up to a 33% jump in post-holiday divorce filings, according to a family law firm in Los Angeles.
And it’s easy to understand why — with all those Family Triggers running around like a pack of terrible-two’s toddlers.
I’m in the business of helping couples navigate these tense times year-round, so here are some resources to keep your sanity and your connection in your relationships this holiday season.
1 Implement an “Exit Strategy” or “Safe Word” for family gatherings
Before entering into a Trigger-Happy situation, decide together if you’ll have 1) a time limit you’ve both decided. 2) a safe word or phrase that indicates: “It’s time to leave.” or 3) a certain set of behaviors that indicate our partner is “maxed out” and needs an intervention, “Honey, come check on the food with me.”
2 Commit to keeping family drama separate from your relationship
Often our partner becomes the outlet for our stressors. If you’re on the receiving end, remind your partner that you’ve both committed to not taking family stress out on each other and offer your partner a healthy outlet — a vent sesh, validation of their experience, maybe just a hug. Be a source of comfort over contention.
Science has shown that when we hear from our partners what they appreciate about us, it releases all those yummy hormones — seratonin and dopamine, more so than if we just make a gratitude list. Add a little Oxytocin with physical touch and boom, watch those tense moments melt.
Are you both clear on gifting expectations? Family time expectations? What about the expectations on balancing eachother’s existing traditions with new traditions you’re creating together? Make sure you both have a clear understanding of what the other expects.
5 Don’t forget these 3 C’s — Communication, Compromise, Compassion
All of the previous 4 rely on these 3 C’s. Anything can be solved with good and proactive communication. And as you both navigate any stressors that arise, having compassion for your partner is an excellent companion to Gratitude to melt stress.
6 Trade in Unhealthy Conflict Resolution Strategies for Healthy Ones
If you’re having a particularly hard time and arguments escalate, remember that ruptures happen; it’s how you repair and navigate those ruptures that make or break the relationship. I’ve recently covered this on Happy Partners Project’s social post “How to Have Healthy Arguments” when one partner is maxed out.
Jocelyn Johnson is the founder of Happy Partners Project and the creator of the Relationship Check-In (TM) Method, the acclaimed science and psych-backed process for strengthening relationships and empowering couples to create their best relationship. She coaches couples and individuals to integrate conscious relationships habits, heal relational wounds and accelerate change. She is certified in Cognitive Behavioral Coaching, Neuro-linguistic Programming and Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy.
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https://www.happypartnersproject.com/blogs/rules-of-engagement/why-future-gazing-goes-from-toxic-to-essential-in-relationships2021-11-16T00:30:00-05:002021-11-24T00:04:21-05:00Why Future-Gazing Goes from Toxic to Essential in RelationshipsJocelyn Johnson
Lacking a Shared Vision in Relationship is a Leading Cause of Relationships Ending
We’ve all been there at one point in our lives in early dating. You’ve met the person you really jive with and your mind gets swept away to all the amazing destinations this relationship can go. The brain starts stitching together hopes and fantasies about the possibility of the relationship. Before you know it, this new partner is letting you down left and right by not living up to those fantasies. You start holding them to performing based on fictitious expectations that they are unaware exist. Because of unhealthy future-gazing, the relationship was doomed before it even had a chance to take off.
Can you recall a time when this was at play for you in dating?
This is the toxic side of what’s called “Future-Gazing.” Future-Gazing is looking into the future dreaming and wishing up the possibilities. When this is done in collaboration without partner, it’s a super-power, but when it’s done in our own minds without collaboration, we are setting ourselves up for “The Let Down”.
So here’s the distinction:
There’s a big difference between living in a fantasy of what would-be, could-be, should-be in a relationship and creating a shared vision for what you’re both committed to creating within the relationship.
According to Huffington Post, “[n]ot having a shared vision of success” is one of the top 10 most common contributors to divorce and relationship endings. So, Future-Gazing is actually an essential ingredient to a long-term, sustainable and happy relationship.
In our Relationship Check-In (TM) Method, we include a Future-Gazing category for exactly this reason — creating a shared vision for the future sets the relationship up for success and for the couple to manifest their goals for themselves and for their relationship together, over time.
This recently came up in an interview I did with Sara Alfers on The Tea, Please podcast. Sara tells me how she and her husband both have a shared goal of having “financial freedom”. She also tells me that she’s now finding out that their visions of how to get there are wildly different.
“…the conversations that we have and visions for how we get there [are] drastically very, very different because he sees buying rental properties as a way to get there. Logically I can see, ‘Yes. This is smart. I get the investment.’ But then emotionally and personally I’m so not interested. I don’t want to do that and I really don’t want to contribute a lot of my money to that because to me I want to grow the podcast and want to invest in the podcast. This is my passion. This is my dream. And this is my way to get to where we both want to be.” Take a listen to the full interview to hear my response to her.
Financial discussions, too, are among the top reasons for relationships ending. But partners engaging in future-gazing they can each get clear on the path towards their goals and start to have an open and on-going dialogue about how to get there that meets both of their skillsets, passions and desires.
So when it the appropriate time to start future-gazing!? When the relationship starts to hit that inevitable point — the “where’s this going” conversation will be on the horizon and this is the perfect first future-gazing session. Remember, it’s toxic when done solo and superpower when done in collaboration! If you’re already in a committed relationship and don’t have a Future-Gazing practice, it’s time to initiate this into your Relationship Check-In routine!
What questions would be in your Future-Gazing conversation!?
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https://www.happypartnersproject.com/blogs/rules-of-engagement/what-is-a-relationship-check-in2021-11-04T00:30:00-04:002021-11-24T00:01:31-05:00What Is a Relationship Check In!?Jocelyn JohnsonMore]]>
What is a “relationship check-in”?
This is a question that gets asked a lot. And if you scour the internet, you’ll be met with a sea of murky explanations of what a check-in is and even less on how to do one (successfully!) with your partner.
It may sound intuitive but the nature of a relationship check-in isn’t so obvious.
Simply put — a relationship check-in is a structured time when couples can assess the status of their relationship.
With the Happy Partners Project “Relationship Check-In(TM) Method”, couples are guided through 5 categories of science and psych-backed prompts and activities designed to strengthen the couple’s bond. It also provides coaching tips and relationship best practices, earning it the title of “Couples Therapy in a box”!
A Relationship Check-In (TM) is also proactive instead of reactive.
Have you ever had one of those fights where a small infraction leads to a huge blow-out!?
That’s because most couples create a culture of checking in with each other when problems arise or when they are already deep in conflict.
At that point, the relationship requires a lot of TLC and repair to get back to bliss.
Regular check-ins, when held sacred, prevent these build-ups from happening catching upsets before they become enraged blow-outs, or worse — unexpected break-ups.
Relationship check-ins also train partners to be stronger in voicing both frustrations and appreciations as they arise and in a healthy manner.
We often hear that communication, trust and intimacy are the golden triad for healthy relationships. In one hour a week or every other, relationship check-ins will support partners in going for the gold.
This post is from the Happy Partners Project — a mission-driven e-commerce company designing and delivering products that support couples and individuals with building and sustaining healthy and blissful relationships.
Happy Partners Project is also the creator of the acclaimed “Relationship Check-In™ Method” — a science and psych-backed process for strengthening relationships.
The belief is that happier partners build happier homes and ultimately have healthier communication, greater life satisfaction and increased emotional intelligence.
For those couples who have children, we also believe that modeling healthy relationships will have legacy effects on the next generation of emotionally intelligent, well-adjusted humans.
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https://www.happypartnersproject.com/blogs/rules-of-engagement/8-habits-of-happy-couples2021-11-02T00:00:00-04:002021-11-23T23:59:34-05:008 Habits of Happy CouplesJocelyn JohnsonMore]]>
These Habits Are the Foundation of Healthy Relationships
When I think back to all the relationships I’ve had that went horribly wrong, they each neglected these fundamental and crucial habits. Each of these takes practice but with time they become second-nature and enhance the relationship.
8. They keep dating and treat date night as a sacred ritual — Esther Perel once said that “You don’t own your partner. Rather, your partner is on loan with the option to renew.” What she means by this is the secret to relationships. When both partners treat the other with the same desire and eagerness to earn and deserve their partner’s love as they did during early dating, the result is ongoing stimulation, attraction, and a renewed sense of that “honeymoon phase”. If you want to avoid the dreaded “rut” in relationships, continuing to date your partner!
7. They “fight” with dignity and respect — Disagreements come. And as each of you evolves, you’re bound to meet new edges of discomfort and growth opportunities in the relationship.
6. They re-commit to each other on a regular basis — Relationships are hard. They summon us to be our best selves. They push on our buttons. They surface our weak spots and light up our blind spots. They show us strength when strength seems impossible. And good relationships that have endurance are the result of ongoing commitment, over and over….annnnd over again.
5. They regularly express Gratitude and Acknowledgement — Gratitude is the great neutralizer. I’ve never seen, “I appreciate you for doing __________(fill in the blank).” be received with the middle finger. Acknowledgment goes in this bucket as well because life. is. hard. And the fact that both partners are showing up, committing to the relationship and making it thru each day with all the tools in their toolbox, is admirable. Acknowledgment = A form of admiration. Show it.
4. Radical transparency — When you have nothing to “hide” you give permission to your partner to see the fullest version of yourself. You allow them into experiencing everything you think, feel, all that you have to offer. This often scary for us humans because many of us fear rejection or fear that our words might hurt the other person. But committing to radical transparency (aka HONESTY) builds the ultimate trust.
3. They check-in on the relationship and each other — Sure, people exhibit signs and symptoms — body language — that send signals to us about the state a person is in. As humans, we are trained to read these subtle cues, but we can’t truly know what a person is experiencing without asking, without checking in. Healthy couples check-in on the state of their relationship. They have dialogue around what’s working, what’s not, where they are going — both as individuals and as a couple. They iterate and respect that needs change over time. What worked yesterday may not be working tomorrow. We evolve, and healthy couples recognize that this evolution requires an ongoing dialogue.
2. They have rituals — One couple I know share coffee and discuss their plans for the day every. single. morning. Another couple I know takes evening walks. And another uses the time before bed to reflect on the highs and lows of the day and do a little “future-gazing.” A client and his wife say their daily and holiday ceremonial prayers together.
1. The relationship is the highest priority — According to @HappyPartnerProject, the most important part of a relationship is the “we”. This isn’t to say that partners allow their individual identities to disappear — that would be codependence. What it does mean is that when both partners are united to treat the “We” that is their relationship dynamic as the utmost important, they eliminate you vs. me and any problems encountered are solved to benefit the relationship, rather than the individuals.
Contemplations:
— which one of these habits do you think is most important?
— If you’re in a relationship, how do you incorporate these habits into your relationship?
— which is your relationship’s superpower?
— which habit do you want to practice more?
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https://www.happypartnersproject.com/blogs/rules-of-engagement/relationships-end-heres-how-to-navigate-life-post-break-up2021-09-08T09:00:00-04:002021-09-08T09:00:00-04:00Relationships End. Here's How to Navigate Life Post-Break-UpJocelyn Johnson
Questions to Ask Yourself to Break the Pattern
We don’t start relationships with the intention of them ending.
And, obviously not all relationships are destined to end. But good riddance to the relationships that aren’t serving our evolution, because the most divine relationships, the most sacred ones, take you to the edge of your comfort zone, blow open your triggers and smear salve all over your familial traumas and wounds so that you might become a more healed, a more whole version of yourself.
So, when we find ourselves at the end; when one or both in the relationship decide: “This is no longer right,” the short answer to the question “I should just move on and be done with it, right?” is “Right.”
It is in your best interest to start your grieving process and to start self-reflection.
The Grieving Process
The freshness of a breakup is not easy and letting go (in any context) is a difficult process, but grieving a relationship is no different than grieving any other loss.
The best thing to do during any loss is to be in it. Be in the sadness, be in the anger, be in all the feels. Allow yourself the time to process the pain you’re feeling and grieve the relationship; to grieve the loss of this person’s presence in your day-to-day. Allow yourself to feel that, don’t bypass it.Mourn the loss of the connection, of the expectations you had for their presence in your life, of the fantasy.
As you do this, start to notice whether what you’re mourning is more heavily skewed to the qualities of the person or to the fantasy and possibility of what would have been, could have been. The latter would signal that perhaps you were in the relationship for unhealthy reasons in the first place. These get to be worked out before you start a new relationship. More on that shortly.
As you reflect on the relationship, your thoughts may drive to all the things that you *could have* done, *would have* done, *should have* done to be “better”, “worthy”, “worth it,” “enough”.
Stop that. Stop that cold in its tracks! Because, this is a form of shaming yourself and as you go through the healing and grieving process, shame will only set you back. Shame will only cause inflated suffering. And what you can recognize is that it’s not about you. It’s about the other person. What we want at any given moment can change. People change and grow. Sometimes they #growtogether and sometimes not.
Self-Reflection and “Woundology”
Once you have mourned the relationship’s end, and moved through 5 stages of grief, begin self-reflection and start to investigate and heal ancestral and familial wounds.
Here are some questions to for self-reflection post-break-up:
1. What drew you to the relationship?
2. What did you excel in?
3. What did you struggle with?
4. What did you love about that partner?
5. What didn’t you love about that partner?
6. If you could re-do everything and have that partner come back into your life exactly as they were, would you?
7. If not, what would you revise about the type of person you’re calling in and the type of relationship you want to create?
8. How did this relationship fit the pattern(s) of previous relationships? Were there qualities that reminded you of other partners or perhaps an important familial relationship (parental / adult figure, sibling, etc.)
Do some self-reflection on the qualities your former partner had that mirror your own self-worth, self-love, self-acceptance or match your childhood and relational wounds, up until now.
Tend to those, as a matter of high priority.
Tend to those wounds that are operating in your subconscious. Untended, these wounds will draw in relationship patterns that repeat, and repeat, over and over, until we hit a breaking point so painful that we decide at that moment, that something must change.
I lead a workshop on these very clearings and you can sign up to my newsletter (scroll to the bottom to sign up) where we announce workshops if that’s of interest.
This would also be an opportunity to explore your “woundology” — wound = trauma, unhealthy patterns + “ology” = study of / story. What story would you give your woundedness? Is it “nothing I did growing up was ever good enough.”? Maybe it’s “My parents were mentally / emotionally / physically / sexually abusive and I felt small / worthless / rejected constantly.” Whatever it is, know that we all do one of two things in relationships (because relationship is designed to catalyze our growth and healing) —
Mirror — we will call in a partner that mirrors our own behaviors and shares a similar wound OR embodies the behaviors we wish we had in an effort to “compensate for our perceived deficiencies.”
Match — we will call in a partner who matches a family dynamic that is familiar. As humans with human brains, our default is to find safety and as ironic as it may seem, often what’s perceived as “safe” is what’s known, which can also be toxic. Someone may have a bi-polar, neurotic, alcoholic parent and that comes with a set of “knowns” that make it more predictable and easier to navigate than an environment where there aren’t any “stressors” of that kind.
Start to notice, and then deconstruct, your patterns and their roots. It won’t be easy, but it will be very worth it!
In doing so, you’re resourcing up so that you don’t hold on to Hope that could prevent you from going out in the world, being your amazing self and attracting in new relationships that can serve you in this new chapter of your life.
If you’re wanting to go deeper on your personal “Wound-ology”, book a free Possibility Call with me to see how we might tend to those wounds and re-program your patterns in relationship.
Post-break-up, there’s a level of individuation that returns, as you learn again what it’s like to be your own person outside of the relationship. For the first time in a while, you get to be clear on what you like to do when you’re not in collaboration with another person on a regular basis about plans for the weekend or the night. And if you’ve allowed yourself to grieve, engaged in self-reflection, and explored your patterns, then you’ve also got a renewed and fresh sense of self! It’s exciting to get to “Do you” again, without any limitations, and with new insights about yourself.
The investment into yourself post-break-up will support your future efforts to find someone who wants to be in a *conscious relationship* that’s defined bymutual movement and mutual growth as individuals within the container of relationship. And I think that’s where you get to focus your energy — finding that person.
That’s an exciting and fun journey and a very fulfilling place to end up.
And, I wish that for you,
💕🚀
Joce
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https://www.happypartnersproject.com/blogs/rules-of-engagement/ask-joce-my-boyfriend-isn-t-a-communicator-how-can-i-get-him-to-be-more-communicative2021-05-18T08:00:01-04:002021-05-18T08:00:01-04:00Ask Joce: My boyfriend isn’t a communicator, how can I get him to be more communicative?Jocelyn JohnsonMore]]>
Strategies for Supporting Your Partner in Opening Up
Dear Joce,
My boyfriend isn’t a communicator, how can I get him to be more communicative?
Dear Starved for Communication,
You’re certainly not alone in this! I can identify and have faced this challenge in many of my relationships and it’s a common complaint among my clients, so thank you for sharing this question — it provides such space for others in the same experience to gain new approaches with you!
Let’s first remember that your partner must have learned or developed a belief somewhere along the way that communication is a scary and unsafe place to be; that it’s safer to just hold it back than to share or be in dialogue.
If your partner is not willing to be communicative, it’s not that they aren’t capable. It’s that they are shut down or there’s a safety mechanism at play to avoid pain, suffering, negative feedback, judgment, rejection, etc.
So the goal will be for you to continually create invitations for communication and connection that also reinforce safety and acceptance, which is not to say you’re not already doing this, Starved for Communication.
I’m sure you’re also doing your best to receive what your partner has to offer.
Since you’re here to get tools and tips, here are a few I’d start with:
1. Open-ended Questions — questions that evoke deeper sharing than close-ended questions that can be answered with one-word answers.
“Did you have a good day?” — “Yes.”
Versus
“What was the highlight/lowlight of your day?”
OR
— “How was work?” — “Good.”
Versus
“What’s exciting/challenging you at work lately?”
2. Give a lot of positive feedback and acknowledgment when your partner *does* communicate as you so deeply desire, Starved for Communication.
— “Wow! This was such a great conversation, and I feel so connected to you now that I can understand your opinion on ____.” You could even name it directly: “I know you say that you’re not a great communicator, but what you just did here, it was amazing, I really enjoyed being able to talk like this!”
Give nods and you’ll get more of what you want.
3. Take responsibility for your needs when you’re feeling particularly starved for communication and connection.
This one has a few layers so let’s start with a strong base — Set your partner up for success with a simple and easy-to-hit request.
— “I want to share what’s been going on for me at work and all I would need from you right now is just to listen. Can you do that?”. Adding on to this would look like: “All I need from you right now is to listen and then repeat back to me what you heard me say.”
The next notch up — (because remember we’re incrementally notching up the ladder on this one) — would be “….and I’d love to hear your opinions. What’s your instinct on this?”
End on gratitude and acknowledgment.
For instance, “Thanks so much for listening. Not only did you honor what I needed in that moment but just being there to listen really helped me get clear on what I’ve been feeling!”
Engineering an equation of success for your partner as you invite them into deeper communication, active listening and mirroring will, with time and with patience, get you what you so desire, Starved with Communication…maybe even a Chatty Cathy! ;)
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https://www.happypartnersproject.com/blogs/rules-of-engagement/ask-joce-if-i-ve-been-dumped-i-should-just-move-on-and-be-done-with-it-right2021-05-12T00:55:50-04:002021-05-12T00:55:50-04:00Ask Joce: If I’ve been dumped, I should just move on and be done with it, right?Jocelyn JohnsonMore]]>
How to move on after a relationship ends.
Dear Dumped and Stumped,
Short answer, My Dear, is yes. If you have been dumped, and your former partner has decided this relationship is no longer for them, then yes, it is in your best interest to start your grieving process and to start self-reflection.
Here are some questions to get you going:
1. What drew you to the relationship?
2. What did you excel in?
3. What did you struggle with?
4. What did you love about that partner?
5. What didn’t you love about that partner?
6. If you could re-do everything and have that partner come back into your life exactly as they were, would you?
7. If not, what would you revise about the type of person you’re calling in and the type of relationship you want to create?
Do some self-reflection on the qualities your former partner had that mirror your own self-worth, self-love, self-acceptance or match your childhood and relational wounds, up until now.
Tend to those, dear Dumped and Stumped. Tend to those wounds that are operating in your subconscious. I lead a workshop on these very clearings and you can sign up to my newsletter where we announce workshops if that’s of interest.
I know that this is a difficult process and being in the freshness of a breakup is not easy. There’s a level of individuation where you’re learning again what it’s like to be your own person outside of the relationship and you’re learning to get clear on the things that you like to do when you’re not having to collaborate with another person on a regular basis about plans for the weekend or the night. It’s also exciting to get to “Do you” again, without any limitations.
It’s really up to you to be on your own agenda, your own schedule and that individuation process can be challenging to get back into so I encourage you to move gently with yourself, Dumped and Stumped. Allow yourself the time to process the pain you’re feeling and grieve the relationship; to grieve the loss of this person’s presence in your day-to-day.Allow yourself to feel that, don’t bypass it.
A lot of times people are told “There are other fish in the sea. It’s no problem. There’s another person out there.” While that’s true and it’s also not helpful to hear that when The Break-Up is fresh.
What you wouldn’t want to happen is that you hold on to Hope and that prevents you from going out in the world being your amazing self and attracting in new relationships that can serve you in this new chapter that you’re embarking on.
With that said I know that there is a lot that you’re probably thinking about as you reflect on the relationship and maybe there’s some shaming that’s going on or potentially some exploration of all the things that you *could have* done, *would have* done, *should have* done.
This is a form of shaming yourself as you go through this process and what you can recognize is that it’s never about you. It’s always about the other person. What they want at any given moment can change, people change and grow.
This is why finding someone who’s wanting to be in a *conscious relationship* with you to move together, to grow together, is really important. And I think that’s where you get to focus your energy — finding that person.
That’s an exciting and fun journey and a very fulfilling place to end up. And, I wish that for you, Dumped and Stumped.
In love, we #growtogether
💕🚀
Joce
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https://www.happypartnersproject.com/blogs/rules-of-engagement/how-to-re-connect-during-separation-in-a-relationship2021-04-28T01:30:00-04:002021-05-12T01:18:45-04:00How to Re-Connect During Separation in a RelationshipJocelyn JohnsonMore]]>
Ways to rekindle the spark in order to bring you two back together
In this week’s Ask Joce Anything (on relationships!) we got a fabulous question from our community:
My fiance and I recently separated but with the intention of coming back together after taking some time and finding ourselves. Do you have any suggestions on how to rekindle the spark in order to bring us back together?
Dear Rekindle-Worthy,
Thank you for this question. So many couples face these kinds of decisions — to separate, not to separate? What does it mean if we do? What does it mean if we don’t?
It’s brave that the two of you have decided that space is the place to gain clarity on the decision of life partnership. When we are in relationships that don’t incorporate the possibility of loss, of endings, we become slaves to avoiding that loss — this leads us towards unhealthy, toxic relationship behaviors.
Many couples also neglect to honor that their partner, although familiar, is a new person every day with new feelings and new experiences. They let the relationship get sucked into the mundane because curiosity dwindles.
Now, as you individuate and reclaim your identities outside of the “coupledom”, Re-Kindle Worthy, you’ll probably notice your curiosity start to pique. All those early tensions that intoxicate newly-coupled individuals start flooding back. But here’s the kicker — before going back into a committed relationship, dating even, it will be key to make amends for whatever caused you two to consider separation in the first place.
What were those untended ruptures that built up until you had a near break-up? Tend to those, Rekindle-Worthy.
Each of you should make a list of the lingering hurts and then, over a couple hangouts, go through them. Group theme-related hurts together but try to avoid going too deep in the weeds of details. Use non-violent communication to express the feelings, and what you need, if you two are going to re-commit to life partnership. This is the hard, and the healing, part.
But, it’s also the most essential to reach the “starting over” point, otherwise, you’re bound to repeat the cycle.
Once you both feel complete on your amends to each other, take some real space — you know the kind of time off that gives you those gentle nerves in the body — “what are they up to? are they thinking of me? I’m thinking of them. I want to reach out.” This could be a week or 10 days — trust your instincts and intuitions on the right length of time; decide together.
It needs to be enough time to cause a little discomfort but not so long that you’re totally “separate”. After this period, start going back into courtship, keep it slow — be curious about each other’s lives, go into the push-pull yumminess that led you both falling in love with each other.
The trick here is to move slowly and deliberate so you don’t get back on the train that took you to Separation Station by default. As you come back together, can you notice the ways your partner is different and ever-evolving even though you’ve been together so long? Can your partner acknowledge this about you, too? When in doubt — head to the C’s — Curiosity, Connection, Conversation and an M — Mystery.
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https://www.happypartnersproject.com/blogs/rules-of-engagement/10-aspects-of-healthy-parent-child-development2021-04-22T00:50:32-04:002021-04-22T00:57:12-04:0010 Aspects of Healthy Parent-Child DevelopmentJocelyn JohnsonBest Practices for Building Confidence and Self-Worth with Children
Best Practices for Building Confidence and Self-Worth with Children
Bravo! You're here, looking at the ways to step up your relationship with your child. Perhaps you got here because you've gotten the card in the Parents Category expansion or by searching the site or your browser. Regardless, this below list will provide a framework guide for conscious parenting and inform on the basic aspects of healthy parent-child relational development.
Attention -- Are you doing your P.A.R.T with your child? Being fully present,attuning yourself into their state, resonating with and validating their experience, builds trust and confidence with your child. This also includes curiosity about their interests, questions, and understanding of the world as they grow and develop perspectives on their world, spending time with them for no particular reason, noticing and responding to their moods, listening to them, understanding things from their perspective.
Basic Hygiene -- this includes routines for care including brushing teeth, regular bathing, combing hair, maintaining clean clothing and bedsheets etc.
Basic Life Skills -- managing a checkbook, paying the bills, upkeep of the car and home, verbalizing feelings and emotions
Being Cherished --delighting in and appreciating your child, taking joy in their presence in the world.
Consistency -- children thrive on structure and predictability. Do you: keep your word. Do your kids know what they can count on from you? Does life have a predictable rhythm? Is there fear around being able to earn a living / provide for the household discussed in front of the child/ren?
Encouragement of our Child's Talents -- acknowledgement and validation of their natural abilities and superpowers but also encouraging them through their vulnerabilities as well.
Nurturing -- hugs and cuddles, considerate and compassionate talk, validating their emotions and experiences, being gentle and understanding
Protection -- from hostile behaviors of abuse, siblings, the outside world, one another.
Respect of Boundaries -- honoring your child's privacy, protecting your child's right to say no and express themselves without rejection or judgement.
Unconditional Love -- loving your child without needing them to perform in return, loving them without imposing your unfulfilled needs on to them.
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https://www.happypartnersproject.com/blogs/rules-of-engagement/love-languages-for-couples2021-02-09T15:32:33-05:002021-02-09T15:32:34-05:00Exploring the 5 Love Languages for CouplesJocelyn Johnson
And Why Knowing Yours and Your Partner’s Will UpLevel Your Relationship
Author Gary Chapman revolutionized the relationship space when he released “The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts” in 1992. The book introduced the idea that every person has a unique language of love that determines how we express and receive love. Learn this unique language for yourself and learn to communicate your needs to your partner. Learn your partner’s love language and watch as acceptance of their unique approach transforms the relationship.
Since then, the phenomenon of Love Languages has inspired secondary books, Love Language coaches, quizzes on how to identify yours and more. To get the full value of Chapman’s contribution to conscious relationships, diving into the book itself will be of most service to your relationship (here’s a link to purchase).
Here I’ll provide an overview of the Love Languages, as they are an element of the Relationship Check-In method I’ve created for Happy Partners Project and we include this in our “Check-In Chronicles” workbook that tracks progress and outcomes from weekly Relationship Check-Ins.
What are the 5 Love Languages?
These unique styles of expressing (showing) and receiving love in relationship include:
Words of Affirmation
Acts of Service
Quality Time
Gifts
Touch
These behaviors are so ingrained in our subconscious that it may be easy to identify which your partner speaks. You may notice them naturally doing the actions and behaviors explained here even if they, themselves, aren’t conscious of the “reasoning” behind why. Remember, we tend to give the love we, ourselves, would like to receive, so the gift giver tends to like receiving gifts. However, in some cases, someone's expression of love can differ from their ideal way to receive love. This would mean that someone may show love by giving Words of Affirmation but likes to receive love as Touch.
Let’s look at them one-by-one.
Words of Affirmation: As it sounds, this love language is all about speaking and hearing positive words and phrases. This could be as simple as “I love you” or more elaborate such as “Your contribution to my life means so much to me.” Those whose love language is Words of Affirmation enjoy hearing reinforcement and verbal acknowledgement for their efforts and contribution.
To speak your partner’s Words of Affirmation love language, you can:
Tell them more often what you appreciate and what’s going right in your relationship.
Praise them publicly to friends, family, or on social media.
Write them love notes telling them how much you appreciate them, their efforts, their presence in your life etc.
Acts of Service: Those with Acts of Service as their love language likely go out of their way to “do” things for you that make your life easier or ease your pain and bring you joy. Likewise, they will appreciate any efforts to make their life easier, ease their pain and bring them joy. As the partner to a person with Acts of Service as their love language, it requires a level of attunement to their needs and when they are voicing complaints about what’s on their plate.
To speak your partner’s Acts of Service love language, you can:
Listen to their complaints about areas that are difficult for them and then DO one action that helps them get it done. Example: While she’s driving she complains that she’s out of wiper fluid, so you go fill her wiper fluid tank.
Observe areas of challenge and without being asked, take action to provide for them. Example: Kelly’s boyfriend broke his foot and had a hard time walking. She went and grocery shopped for him so he’d have easier access to food while he was recovering.
Other examples: Give your partner a massage when they are tense or draw them a bath. Book that appointment to a spa or a self-care venue for your partner.
Quality Time: Those with this love language like the “being together” and often it doesn’t require “doing” any particular activity. If you or your partner’s love language is Quality Time, spending time together is of most importance. If you identify with this love language or are in relationship with a Quality Time lover, it will be very important to get clear on what quality time represents — specifically. For some, being at the house at the same time, in silence qualifies as quality time; for others, they prefer shared time in an activity, even if that activity is watching a show together in silence. Either way, do yourselves a favor and get clear on what fills the Quality Time bucket and what doesn’t.
To speak your partner’s Quality Time love language, you can:
Schedule regular dates that you’ve identified fill the Quality Time bucket
Plan shared activities once a week
Express your pleasure and intention to spend Quality Time with your partner and brainstorm ideas on when the next QT date will be.
Gifts / Gift-giving: Gift-givers do exactly that — they show their love by giving gifts and usually like receiving gifts as well. If this is not your love language it is very important to ensure you’re not “rejecting” your partners affections when they give you gifts. Recognize that this is simply their expression of love represented in a physical good.
To speak your partner’s Gift-giving/receiving love language, you can:
Perfect the art of receiving gifts from your partner in an authentic way
Get creative with gifts that you might give to your partner that can be useful and show you care
Touch: Feeling connection through physical touch is #1 to those who have this love language. That could be as simple as hand-holding, or a hug or more elaborate such as a massage or even a short back rub in passing. Human contact, even slight, can go miles with these folks.
To speak your partner’s Touch love language, you can:
Greet them with physical touch each time you arrive home or depart — a quick kiss, a longer-than-usual hug with a back rub etc.
Cuddle while watching a movie or a series instead of sitting separately.
Come behind your partner while they are engaged in a regular at-home activity, such as cooking, and put your hands on their shoulders, kiss their cheek from behind, give them an embrace from behind for a few seconds, etc.
So which are you!? Which is your partner? These descriptions scratch the surface of ways you can engage your partner based on their and your love languages. To go deeper, grab the book “The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts” by Gary Chapman.
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https://www.happypartnersproject.com/blogs/rules-of-engagement/5-toxic-relationship-habits2021-01-01T21:30:00-05:002021-12-24T22:44:14-05:005 Toxic Relationship Habits to Leave in the PastJocelyn JohnsonMore]]>
And Healthy Habits to Replace Them
New year, new decade, new habits. Whether you’re newly in a relationship, dating, married, or in it for the long haul, here are 5 habits to leave in the past and habits to replace them if you want to have a happier, healthier relationship.
Sacrificing yourself in the relationship.
We all know those people — the ones who are one person when single and a completely different person when in a relationship. Healthy relationships include space for both partners. For couples who lose themselves for the sake of their partner, to keep the peace or any other reason, this toxic habit builds resentment in the long haul. Eventually, all those parts of yourself that have been denied for weeks, months, years will come raging forward crying for attention.
You aren’t doing the relationship any favors by being anything but your authentic self. Did you have a secret single behavior that hasn’t existed since you coupled up? A hobby you used to love? A gym routine that has gone by the wayside? Well, this year is your year to reinvigorate those activities and charms about yourself.
So, instead of sacrificing yourself in the relationship, notice what you’ve neglected and start adding those activities back into rotation.
Healthy relationship habit: Take yourself on dates! Yes! In addition to dates with your honey, treat yourself to dates where you honor you and the things that bring you joy, independent of your significant other and relationship! Keeping your own life active and fresh gives you and your partner more to connect on, time to miss each other and keeps the spark alive and interesting.
2. Prioritizing your individual selves over the relationship.
This one is friends with the age-old adage — There is no “i” in team — but has a twist. Instead of melding with your partner and losing your identities, this toxic habit is about the you vs. me that can happen in the relationship, particularly around unmet needs or conflict. We’ve all been there, but it’s important to realize this very powerful point: When you’re in competition you’re not in collaboration. The moment you’re in opposition you’re no longer a team. The way out of this toxic habit is simple…take the “i” out of the equation and start playing like a team to create the best relationship.
Healthy Relationship Habit: Take inventory of your individual needs and what the two of you are building towards together. Identify key words that describe the type of relationship you two want to have and check in regularly to assess what you’re co-creating.
3. Giving too much attention to what’s going wrong
I don’t know one person who has said they want to create a bad relationship dynamic but if you’ve heard the saying “where attention goes, energy flows” then you know that spending time on negative brings more negative and vice versa. It’s important to take inventory of your problem areas but try to balance your constructive feedback on a six to one ratio. For every one thing that is going wrong, celebrate six that are going right.
Healthy Relationship Habit: Start a gratitude practice (in life and in your relationship). Acknowledging your partner, the growth you two catalyze in eachother and what’s going right in the relationship is just as important as proactively assessing what needs improvement. And start noticing your six to one ratio — can you work to bring your “wins — criticisms ratio” closer to balance?
4. Waiting for fights to look at problems in the relationship
Relationships are designed to drive evolution. And each person brings baggage into the relationship to help kickstart that evolution. Inevitably there will be conflict. The little things that were once cute will start to annoy, bad habits will surface, and frustrations will build. Waiting until your first big fight to check in on the relationship is a mistake. And if that becomes routine — calm until the storm over and over — the relationship will be a series of peaks and valleys that over time will wear on the couple.
Healthy Relationship Habit: Check in with your partner on a proactive and regular basis. Naming areas that are going great and areas that need a little TLC creates connection and transforms peaks and valleys into more manageable waves. Start here.
5. Pointing the finger at your partner
My mom always used to say, when you point the finger, you have three pointing back at you! This one’s about taking responsibility for your role in the relationship. Nobody can make you feel or react a certain way. You choose that. And pointing the finger at your partner is copping out of taking responsibility for your contribution, your feelings and your reaction. It’s also a way of attacking your partner instead of attacking the problem and finding a solution together. And, when you’ve got a finger pointing at you the natural response is to go into defense-mode.
Healthy Relationship Habit: Use “I” statements to explain what’s going on. “I get angry when…because I feel like you don’t care.” Another way, “When I’m not spoken to with respect, I start to question if I can stay in this relationship.”
So, which ones are you prepared to leave in the past?
If your relationship has a few of these toxic habits, try tackling one at a time instead of all at once! Then celebrate your wins and successes as you make progress swapping your healthy habit in for your old, toxic one.
Love and Light to you and your partner. Onward!
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https://www.happypartnersproject.com/blogs/rules-of-engagement/polarity-in-relationships-masculine-amp-feminine-aren-t-myths-but-biology2020-10-28T19:57:23-04:002024-02-20T14:03:10-05:00Polarity in Relationships: Masculine & Feminine Aren’t Myths, but BiologyJocelyn Johnson
How Men and Women’s Brains Are Programmed Differently for Conflict, Mistakes and Resolution
“Let’s talk about sex, baby. Let’s talk about you and me…” It’s become quite the debate in the Battle of the Sexes dialogue — are men and women equal and the same. Equal and equally capable — absolutely; the same — far from it.
Recent research suggests that men’s and women’s brains may be wired differently. The male brain is wired front to back, with few connections between hemispheres. Women tend to have more left-right wiring, allowing more interconnection between hemispheres.
"Some researchers argue that the brains of men and women are wired differently. The male brain is wired from front to back, with few connections across the two hemispheres. Women, on the other hand, have more wiring from left to right, so the two hemispheres are more inter-connected." — Psychology Today
First, let’s explore masculine and feminine energies. Then we’ll discuss how men and women handle stress, conflict, and mistakes in relationships. Understanding these dynamics is key for healthy polarity and passion.
Polarity: Masculine & Feminine Energies Explained
We all embody a unique balance of masculine and feminine traits. In heterosexual relationships, men often lean masculine while women lean feminine.
Masculine traits include independence, analytical thinking, and competitiveness. Feminine traits include interdependence, emotional intelligence, intuition, nurturing and cooperation.
When partners disconnect from their native energies, relationships suffer — lack of intimacy, fighting, and frustration. Specifically, the outcome could look like anger, depression, frustration and emasculation on the man’s side. For the woman — overwhelm, feeling abandoned with a lack of support, safety, clarity and direction from her partner.
Coping With Stress & Conflict
Men often retreat inward to problem-solve alone when stressed. Women vocalize issues and seek empathetic support.
Likewise with mistakes — men take action to fix them while women express regret and atonement.
Different biological needs drive these behaviors. Testosterone equips men to address conflict actively and independently, retreating inward to reach a solution. Estrogen makes women wired for communication and collaboration, extending herself into her community to “work it out”. This is also at play in their problem-solving strategies.
Appreciating these distinctions fosters understanding. A woman shouldn’t resent a man’s tendency to retreat and deliberate privately. A man shouldn’t assume his partner’s communal coping means ganging up on him.
And there is science that validates how our bodies need different hormones to manage stress, based on sex. For those born sex male, testosterone is their stress hormone whereas those born sex female need greater estrogen to manage stress. And activities that fall into the previously mentioned categories (competition vs collaboration for example) generate different hormonal outputs — in our example competition creates testosterone, and collaboration creates estrogen.
For an interesting take on Testosterone and Estrogen, watch this episode of Huberman Lab with Stanford-based professor of neurobiology Dr. Andrew Huberman:
When couples align with their native energies, passion and harmony thrive. Out-of-balance polarity kills intimacy.
Perhaps this breakdown of the biological tendancies of masculine and feminine will actually bring more empathy and understanding into your relationship. Biologically, the sexes simply operate differently when fully expressed in their native core energies.
A woman fully expressed in her feminine can identify when her man is activated in his masculine core, that he’s actually finding ways to show up for her when he displays his action-oriented and solution-driven approach to managing her stress and emotions.
A man fully expressed in his masculine core can understand that when his lady goes to her tribe for consultation, that she’s actually activated in her feminine and that’s her effort to be in service to the relationship. That is what it is to be in aligned polar states, and once that polarity is activated and appreciated, then divided couples will actually get back to a place of passion, connection, love, understanding, and mutual movement.
Have you seen this at play in your own relationship? Tell us your thoughts and follow along on social media @happypartnersproject.
Guys — Have you noticed that your woman will reach out to all of her friends, her mom, her sisters, her family, to discuss when you guys are in conflict and get an understanding of what’s going on and refer to her tribe? And have you noticed that you go into your own private space to formulate an action plan, to find a solution, to figure out how to rectify your mistake with action versus rectify your mistake with understanding?
Women — Have you noticed when your man retreats into his own space? Have you taken that as a symbol of him not wanting to be in connection with you, as him not being interested in really finding a solution and empathy and working together on coming up with a creative outcome to your discomfort or your conflict?
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https://www.happypartnersproject.com/blogs/rules-of-engagement/10-date-ideas-for-couples-during-quarantine2020-03-21T23:11:00-04:002021-01-29T14:12:43-05:0010 Date Ideas for Couples During Self-IsolationJocelyn JohnsonWhat do you do, during this time of COVID-19 quarantine, to beat the possibility of getting in a rut? How will you use this time as an opportunity to get creative about stay-at-home dates ideas!? Happy Partners Project serves up 10 date ideas for staying home during coronavirus.
Ways COVID-19 "Social Distancing" Can Refuel Your Relationship
We’ve all been there — in the relationship rut, when date night consists of two front row tickets to the television in pajamas or dinner-for-two at your “local kitchen” or takeout spot. These dates can be sweet on occasion but on the regular, they start to be too routine and create disconnection. So what do you do, during this time of quarantine, to beat the possibility of getting in a rut? How will you use this time as an opportunity to get creative about stay-at-home dates ideas!?
Before we get to the date ideas, here are four tips to get into the right mindset while quarantined:
Be open to stepping outside of your comfort zone — remember that connection and bonding come through experiencing newness together.
Take advantage of the break in your daily / work routine
Think creatively, but don’t try too hard — what’s something you love to do but haven’t ever shared with your partner and vice versa? What’s something you’ve both wanted to get done together but always put off? Now’s the time. Lean in.
Allocate time for separateness and time for togetherness. During this time it’s equally important to maintain your independence and inter-dependence.
Ok, so with that in mind, here are 10 Stay-At-Home date ideas for couples:
Date Idea #1: Do a new-to-you mid-day outdoor adventure. While you’re working from home, you’ve gained extra time from your lack of commute so take the opportunity to design your ideal mid-day adventure. Pick a day this week and block off two to three hours mid-day. Schedule all work around it. This could be a hike, or a bike or even just a hand-in-hand walk around the neighborhood. What’s makes this special is the break in the routine. Upon returning home, share with each other the highlights of the adventure.
Date Idea #2: Collaborative Art Projects — this is one of my favorites to do with a partner. Grab a piece of paper and some colors — crayons, markers, even two different colored pens or pencils — and alternate adding on to eachother’s work. Partner A draws a section, Partner B adds on, then Partner A adds on. Continue adding until you’ve filled the page. Try to not look at the macro, and stay focused on the individual contributions, then when you’re “finished” look at it from afar to see what you created together.
Another connective art activity is single-line drawing. Look at your partner with the pen on the page, draw his/her face without looking and without lifting the pen/pencil! This one is bound to make you laugh and gives you a chance to really LOOK at your partner.
Date Idea #3: Play Happy Partner Project’s Relationship Check-In Deck but go deep on one-two categories category or create fun outcomes for every card answered!
Pick one category that you’re both comfy with and pick one that pushes your comfort zone. Here are 3 ways to use the card deck.
“Big tub, little person.” — SATC
Date Idea #4: Spa Night At Home — Set up your ideal spa at home — is that a candlelit bubble bath with the two of you in it!? Is it mud masks, massages, aromatherapy? A former boyfriend and I used to do Full Body Massage Fridays. Whatever your favorite spa setup, recreate it at home and indulge. Calm and serenity are what the world needs right now more than ever. Tip — use coconut or olive oil as massage oil and after a couple’s bath, it’s sensuous and conveniently edible. ;)
Date Idea #5: Couples workout — Movement and getting the blood pumping are excellent for boosting the immune system. Equinox is streaming workouts, yoga instructors are hosting livestreamed downward dogs; there’s even livestream dance and movement classes. Pick one and go for it solo or even better, design a workout circuit together that integrates stations and partner work. Here’s one courtesy of MadFit:
Date Idea #6: Create restaurant vibes at home. If you can’t go to your favorite dinner spot, bring the romantic restaurant vibes home. Alternate nights planning and cooking romantic dinner for your partner. Set up a table as you’d see in a restaurant, dim the lights, maybe light a candle. The meal doesn’t have to be fancy, what matters is you’re setting up a new context for dining together at home. This is also great because the partner cooking gets to be in service to the other and create the experience. Make sure you both do at least one night each.
Spend a little extra energy dressing the table and making it feel like your fave restaurant.
Date Idea #7: Have your partner teach you something he / she loves. Straight forward — he loves to play Call of Duty? Have him teach you. She loves to macrame, let her show you how.
Date Idea #8: Remix a board game by creating fun outcomes / consequences. Loser takes off an item of clothes, winner gets an extra hour of time free from the kids the next day, loser does dishes for the week, winner gets a massage. Whatever the terms, make it fun, make it sexy, make it together.
Date Idea #9: Play Truth or Dare. Bring back that playful teen energy back into your relationship! I bet there’s something you’ll learn about your partner that you didn’t know and healthy stakes can generate the good kind of tension. Remember to practice radical transparency and let go of your (unhealthy) limitations when it comes to dares.
Date Idea #10: Themed Double-Feature or Movie Marathon — Similar to date idea #6, make sure to create a special environment for watching movies together. Maybe do a Bond Movie Marathon and watch a couple Bond movies back to back, do Oscar Winners Night, or My Favorite Movie Night where you each pick your favorite flick and watch back to back. Order your typical movie candy or treat from Amazon or make a quick trip to the convenient store. Part II of this date idea is to share your thoughts — was there something that you loved or surprised you about the Bond movies? Why did you love a certain movie if you did Movie Favorites? etc. Engage in a discussion and plan time for this into your “date time.”
What are some of your favorite date recommendations?
Tell us what you’d add!
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https://www.happypartnersproject.com/blogs/rules-of-engagement/looking-life-partner-avoid-big-mistake-in-early-dating2020-03-09T07:00:02-04:002021-01-29T13:11:31-05:00Looking for a Life Partner? Avoid this Big Mistake In Early Dating Jocelyn Johnson
Companionship is one of the most rewarding investments two people can make. And, unless our society adopts arranged marriages, dating is the best route to finding a life partner, or a “happily-ever-after” ending. So, what is the biggest mistake life-partner-hopefuls make when dating and looking for long-term relationships?
As a teen, growing up in the 90’s and 2000's, the Cosmo Quizzes weren’t just something to look forward to in each new issue, they were my coach, my dating guru, the secret code to relationships and compatibility. Tallying up the scores to see if my at-the-time crush of the month and I had long-lasting, soul-level potential delivered a joyful rollercoaster of emotions. And while compatibility quizzes are illuminating, they miss the unique levels of “crazy” each person brings to the relationship and deep patterning that will inevitably be at play in every relationship.
But I was taught, as young girls still are today, to believe in fairy tale endings and Knights in Shining Armor who whisk women away to a castle and a rich life, “for as long as they both shall live.”
Yes, companionship is one of the most rewarding investments two people can make. And, unless our society adopts arranged marriages, dating is the best route to finding a life partner, or a “happily-ever-after” ending.
So, what is the biggest mistake life-partner-hopefuls make when dating and looking for long-term relationships?
The biggest mistake people make when looking for a long-term partner is neglecting to ask the hard questions EARLY in the dating process. And holding back the parts that we fear might lead to rejection.
This is perfectly illustrated in Netflix’s “Love is Blind” show, where individuals date without seeing each other then have to decide, within days, if they will propose marriage, get engaged and walk down the aisle two weeks later. Once two individuals couple up, they then see each other and discover whether emotional intimacy can translate into the physical world — to uncover if love truly is blind.
In the show, one of the participants, Carlton, is bi-sexual but conceals this information from his dates. He wants to be accepted for, but clearly hasn’t fully accepted, this side of himself (without shame) to be able to be upfront with his dates about this very important part of his story (he says it’s important, and so it is…). He’s scared of being rejected once his dates “find out” and so he hides the information. The result is that when he DOES reveal this information, his date feels betrayed, lied to, “snookered.” And so the outcome of his fear becomes real — he gets rejected.
He gets rejected, yes, but NOT because of his bisexuality; he’s rejected because of his lack of honesty, deception and the resulting shame around his truth. He doesn’t trust that someone can handle this truth and in the process becomes less trustworthy to his partner! Isn’t that the twist that bites the hardest!?
When investigating compatibility, SHARE the hard bits early. ASK the hard questions EARLY. Be clear about your dealmakers and dealbreakers. And, commit to radical transparency.
The best way to find your life partner is to be authentically you, and to be “authentically you” means to commit to being completely open and honest, to be radically transparent. The right person won’t be scared away.
As “Love Is Blind” participant Carlton says in The Reunion episode, “There’s no fear involved in love. You should be able to let go and just completely be yourself.”
Best of luck to you in your relationship journey!
In Love, we #growtogether,
Joce
P.S. For all my fellow “Calling in the One” fans — A wonderful way to use our relationship check-in cards are to answer as you would with a new partner and to vision his/her responses.
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https://www.happypartnersproject.com/blogs/rules-of-engagement/when-your-relationship-sucks-take-these-5-steps2020-02-21T16:25:00-05:002021-01-29T13:13:11-05:00When Your Relationship Sucks, Take These 5 Steps.Jocelyn Johnson
You Can Salvage Your Relationship. Here's How.
All relationships ebb and flow. As our relationships push our buttons and encourage us to grow and evolve, pain and friction are bound to bubble up. Sometimes, relationships hit rock bottom -- the Trenches of Sorrow, as we call them over here at Happy Partners Project. In order to make your relationship great again here are a few steps. They won’t be easy but if you’re both committed to a new and better way, then it can be done and it will be worth the discomfort.
Step 1: Take Responsibility.
Relationships are co-created. Read that again. Yes, if your relationship is in the shitter, there’s not ONE person responsible. There is cause and effect, action and reaction. Both parties need to acknowledge their contribution to the state of the relationship and take responsibility for that. Here’s an example: Partner A: I stopped giving you the benefit of the doubt and that put you on the defensive.
Partner B: Instead of telling you how I was feeling, I chose to say mean things to you to try to make you feel as bad as I felt.
Step 2: Make Amends.
Ask your partner if there is anything he or she needs to hear from you that can make amends. Often this can be an apology; other times it can be acknowledgment for a positive deed done in the relationship. Continuing with the above example:
Partner A: What can I say or do that can make up for this? Partner B: You can acknowledge that I was honoring my commitment to be up front and honest with you even if you didn’t believe me.
Partner A: (use the same, or very similar words and phrases that your partner used. Mirror back the sentiment from your heart.) I acknowledge that you have been honoring your commitment to be honest and I’m sorry that I let my fear get in the way of that.
Partner B: and I apologize that I said those mean things to you instead of saying that I was hurting that you weren’t acknowledging my efforts.
Step 3: Future-Gazing
In the Check-In Process created by Happy Partners Project, future gazing is an important category to ground partners into what they are building and where they are headed, together. Answer these questions together and let the future “we” wash over you:
What do we want our relationship to look like?
What practices / rituals do we want to create together?
What bad habits do we want to ditch?
What habits do we want to introduce into our relationship?
Step 4: Anticipate the Mis-Steps
Now that you’ve gotten clear on the healthier dynamic you want to return and with a renewed vision for what you want to co-create, anticipate where you might slip up and create strategies for how to handle. Change doesn’t happen overnight. That means that there will be slip-ups. You will revert to old habits even though you’re trying to break them. Both partners need to support the shifts being made AND be prepared for the day when the old habit rears its ugly head!
Example: Partner A may say: “When I don’t give you the benefit of the doubt, it’s because I’m scared that you might have broken our agreement about transparency. Maybe you can reassure me in those moments before I spin out in my head?
Outcome: When Partner A fails to give the benefit of the doubt, Partner B can decide to express feelings over hurtful words. “Hey, I sense that you’re not giving me the benefit of the doubt, and I can understand you’re worried I might not be honoring my prior agreement. What can happen right now to reassure you?”
Step 5: Create Commitments / Agreements to each other
Each partner can then say what they commit to the other person. This can also be re-committing to a prior made agreement as well.
Example: Partner B: I’ll agree to not say mean things to you when I’m feeling hurt. Instead I’ll take a step back and need you to give me space to calm down and clear my head so I can express my feelings.
Partner A: And when you start to say something mean, I’ll do my best to not take it personally and instead ask you what’s underneath that and what you’re feeling so we can address that!
Step 6: Express Appreciation
Acknowledge your partner for his / her wonderful qualities. Share in mutual appreciation that you're both willing to invest in re-working the relationship dynamic -- that alone is a wonderful testament to the love shared and the commitment to each other!
In order to stay on track, introduce a regular relationship check-in into your routine. This can happen weekly if you’re in crisis or twice a month if you’re feeling stable and secure in the relationship.
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https://www.happypartnersproject.com/blogs/rules-of-engagement/feeling-or-opinion-do-you-really-know-the-difference2020-02-13T18:49:00-05:002021-04-08T16:24:16-04:00Feeling or Opinion? Do you REALLY know the difference?Jocelyn JohnsonMore]]>
How to identify and express your feelings versus expressing opinions. Use these Feelings Worksheets!
It’s hard for me to put my feelings into words. — Joaquin Phoenix
Count me as right there with you, Joaquin! They say that under every emotion and feeling is a need. The problem is that some people (*raises hand*) might not be able to accurately identify a feeling. Instead, feelings are replaced with opinions, which usually set our audience on the defensive instead of creating a connection. We’ll get to the difference between the two shortly, but in today’s culture, in America at least, we’re only now starting to open up the dialogue around feelings and the ability to identify and express them as a strength instead of a weakness.
So, what exactly is a feeling!?
By dictionary: (n.) an emotional state or reaction; and by American writer and feminist Audre Lorde: “Our feelings are our most genuine paths to knowledge.”
And what about opinions?
By dictionary: (n.) a view or judgment formed about something, not necessarily based on fact or knowledge; and as the famous quote goes: “Opinions are like assholes. Everyone has one and most of them stink!”
It makes sense then how views and judgments about a situation can be confused with feelings that result from a situation. And when used in conflict and communication in relationships, opinions lead to defensive responses while feelings lead to heart-to-heart connection. Feelings usually help diffuse conflict.
Feelings = Connection and Understanding
Opinions = Disconnection and Defensiveness
How does one tell if he’s stating a feeling or an opinion? Simple. If the statement “I feel….” is followed by an actual emotion and not another word, it’s a true feeling. On the flip side, if “I feel…” is followed by “like” or “that”, it’s an opinion.
Let’s look at this in action:
Scenario A: “I feel sad that you screened my call the other night because I was really looking forward to sharing some good news with you.”
versus
Scenario B: “I feel like you didn’t want to talk to me when screened my call the other night and all I wanted to do was share some good news with you!”
Read those two statements again as if your partner or family member is saying them to you. And then visualize how you’d respond. Likely an “Oh no! I’m sorry you feel that way, I was just right in the middle of another call! Next time, I’ll shoot you a text to let you know why I have to decline the call, cool?” would be a natural outcome from Scenario A. And from Scenario B, most people would feel the need to justify and defend the attack.
So what do you do if you have trouble identifying your emotions?
Here are two cheat sheets for you to review with positive feelings and negative feelings. And if identifying and expressing emotions is particularly difficult for you, try the following exercise:
Pick 10 emotions that resonate for you from both the positive and negative sheets (20 in total). Then write “I feel [emotion] when ___________________.” This will work your Emotional Intelligence muscle and you’ll start to notice greater ease in expressing emotions as a result.
This post is from the Happy Partners Project — a mission-driven method for strengthening relationships and sustaining healthy habits that lead to increased overall relationship satisfaction. Its first product is a relationship check-in deck. Our belief is that happier partners build happier homes and ultimately have healthier communication, greater life satisfaction and increased emotional intelligence. For those couples who have children, we also believe that modeling healthy relationships will have legacy effects on the next generation of emotionally intelligent, well-adjusted humans.
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https://www.happypartnersproject.com/blogs/rules-of-engagement/red-flag-green-flag-here-are-all-the-flags-to-watch-for2020-02-04T15:50:00-05:002021-01-29T13:17:07-05:00Don't Fall Victim to These Relationship Red FlagsJocelyn Johnson
As people start building more conscious relationships and integrate mindfulness into the courtship process, there's a new way to assess the relationship and the "flags" that come up. The modern relationship conversation is turning from red flags towards green flags!
For years we've been taught to look for red flags in the relationship. If you're new to Happy Partners Project, we believe that relationships drive our evolution and conflicts present our biggest opportunities for growth. Flags, of both colors -- red and green, are like beacons of light shining on our patterns. Red flags are the areas that require the most attention. These are the areas where you're playing out old unhealthy habits and attracting people who embody them into your life.
Now, as people start building more conscious relationships and integrate mindfulness into the courtship process, there's a new way to assess the relationship and the "flags" that come up. The modern relationship conversation is turning towards green flags!
So let's break down both.
What are the negative (red) and positive (green) flags (actions/behaviors) to watch for?
And, Hang with me to the end of the article where I tell you how to identify the green and red flags unique to you!
Remember, relationships are designed to push evolution within us, so neither “flag” is “bad” or "good", they just shine a light on *our* own behaviors and patterns as well as what we have attracted into our lives.
Some Common Red and Green Flags, by category:
1. Readiness for a committed relationship
RED: Unfinished business with an ex. If your date is talking about his/her ex or if the relationship has recently ended, this is a red flag. In order to be fully present with a new partner, there needs to be completion (some call this closure), a grieving period and a time for re-establishing the "single self" before moving into a new relationship.
GREEN: the Single self is strong and alive. Ghosts of relationships past are not haunting the present. The person can express / relate lessons from previous relationships. "My last relationship was 4 years long, and we had immediate chemistry. But, ultimately we couldn't communicate effectively and after a year of on again off again, and therapy, we finally called it quits about a year ago."
2. Ability to Trust or Awareness of Broken Trust
RED: Without reason, constantly questioning where you are, who you're with, what happened and wanting to control what you do and with whom. This person has a trust issue but it controls him/her, not the other way around. Checking your phone and emails would also go here.
GREEN: Once a guy said to me that his "trust machine was broken". Some might see this as a red flag, but I'm categorizing it as green. Trust issues are problems when the person is completely unaware that their trust issues are like a tail wagging the dog. If someone can say to you that they have had their trust broken and can shine a light of awareness on a growth area, this is a wonderfully green flag in my book.
3. Pace and Mututal Movement
RED: Rushing and too available. Nothing says red flag more than a person who wants to sprint into a full-blown relationship overnight. Like plants, Relationships, well healthy ones at least, need to unfold at a steady pace.
Presence in each other's life is *earned*. If someone is moving at light speed, it begs the question: "what are you running from? And why?" Usually in these dynamics, one person is the aggressor and the other is the "go along with it" type. Then the latter has a Stage 5 clinger on his/her hands.
RED: oversharing early in the relationship. Some information is first, second, third date material and some information is reserved for those who have shown they can hold space for stickier subjects. Oversharing doesn't create intimacy. Oversharing is self-absorption masked as vulnerability. This may also signal emotional neediness and/or lack of boundaries.
GREEN: mutual movement. Your date lets you know his/her intentions. "I'm having a good time getting to know you, I'd like to see you again this week. Are you up for it?!"
BONUS GREEN: your date can accept if the pace is too fast for you. "I'm having a great time too. This week won't work, but I could do the weekend or next week!"
4. Availability + Boundaries
This one is related to #3 as shown above.
RED: someone who is *always* available and will abandon prior plans or commitments for a date with you has compromised integrity, could be codependent and isn't reliable. (S)he doesn't create boundaries.
GREEN: has a activities he/she holds sacred. Soccer league every Monday? dates will need to happen other days. Likes to work out in the morning? won't let a sleepover compromise that (except on occasion!). This is a sign of someone who creates healthy boundaries and has a healthy sense of self.
RED: Can't say or handle hearing "no". This person wants all boundaries to be down. He/she lives in the grey area. She can't say no but doesn't want to hear no either. He is an energy vampire that wants to take take take and leave all options open.
5. Drama-Magnetism
RED: your date only or mostly talks about conflicts or drama in his/her life and/or the ways he/she was "wronged".
GREEN: There's a balance between conflict and celebratory stories. And stories that do have conflict or drama are (Mostly) met with a lesson learned, a silver lining, or a positive outlook.
"This guy at work totally threw me under the bus and it made me look bad. I was embarrassed but I got the reminder I needed about office politics! Sucks, but I'll just watch what I say now."
6. Destructive and Constructive Behaviors
RED: If the person your dating is involved in addictive behaviors -- out-of-control alcohol intake, drug abuse, a history of sex with many partners (often overlapping), binge eating or depriving are all signs of deeper issues going on with someone. This is not to say that you should throw them out with the bathwater but don't go in blind. This is perhaps the most important RED flag to observe. If you notice these behaviors, broach the subject directly. Practice Non-Violent Communication techniques.
GREEN: Does your date exhibit control on alcohol consumption or drug intake? Does (s)he thoughtfully enter into sexual relationships with people (it's OK to ask him/her about his sex history!). Does this person take care of himself/herself? Is (s)he invested in self-care?
These are a few biggies that serve most people but remember that red (and green) flags are personal to you!
The way a person is in one area of their life, they are probably the same way in most, if not all, areas of life.
So the most important thing is to slow down and take inventory of YOUR patterns.
If you call in women/man with trust issues, what were the shared behaviors and characteristics they each had?
These are now *your* RED Flags! List out the opposite characteristics and those are the GREEN flags you'll want to watch for while dating!
If you call in guys who hop from relationship to relationship, look at the signals they gave you in early dating. These are your personalized warning signs.
Find the pattern and you'll find your red and green flags.
Good luck out there!
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https://www.happypartnersproject.com/blogs/rules-of-engagement/you-re-probably-a-violent-communicator-and-here-are-the-signs2020-01-16T18:29:00-05:002021-01-29T13:18:23-05:00You’re Probably a Violent Communicator, And Here Are The SignsJocelyn Johnson
Among the signs of violent communication are blame, moralistic judgments, comparisons, denial of responsibility, put-downs, and demands masked as requests. Non-violent communication creates compassion and connection. Here are 4 steps to resolve conflict with non-violent communication.
If your response to that headline was anything close to “WHAT? I AM NOT! I AM SUCH A MINDFUL COMMUNICATOR!!!”, then you are experiencing the defensiveness that results from violent communication. Typically, people expect abusive language to be the only kind of violent communication. But, according to Dr. Marshall B. Rosenberg, the author of Non-Violent Communication, A Language for Life, violent communication is language that causes hurt and harm, so even this headline — calling you a violent communicator, is violent.
Rosenberg presents that language that judges, condemns or leads with opinions instead of emotions, creates defensive reaction and separation rather than compassion and connection. On the other hand, non-violent communication “leads us to give from the heart.” And, when we “give from the heart…[it] benefits both the giver and the receiver,” he says in his book.
Among the signs of violent communication are blame, moralistic judgments, comparisons, denial of responsibility, put-downs, and demands masked as requests. Here are some phrases that illustrate this:
“You make me so angry when you ignore my texts!” (denial of responsibility)
“You are so insensitive.” (moralistic judgement)
“She’s rude and unpleasant.”
Any phrases with “have to”, “need to”, “should”
For a moment, think to a time when someone (or you!) passed judgment on you(or yourself) like the above. What was your response? Did you want to defend yourself? Did you want to be in connection or disconnection?
Likely, the outcome was an escalated disagreement and a defensive one at that. It’s also likely neither person had needs met, which is the underlying goal of moving through conflict and/or negative feelings. SO what’s the alternative?
In the Happy Partners Project Check-In process, partners commit to using more “I” statements than “you” statements. “I feel x, when y happens.” This is one straightforward way to start practicing non-violent communication.
But, let’s break it down even further.
These 4 steps will guide you towards effective non-violent communication that fosters connection and the environment for needs to be met, instead of ignored.
Step 1: Observe without Evaluation: An observation is simply noticing and refraining from labeling it. Here are two contrasting examples to illustrate this: “He’s not good at soccer” versus “He has not scored a goal in the last 10 games.” The first statement passes judgment and labels an action as “bad”. The second notes specific actions or behavior.
Step 2. Identify the actions or behaviors that led to the feeling ‘when x happens’ and be specific.
This was touched upon in the first step. This is the opportunity to outline specific actions or behaviors. “You left your socks on the floor every day this week.” versus “You’re messy.”
Step 3. Identify the feeling “I feel sad, excited, disappointed, fearful, lonely, happy, fulfilled, inspired…”
*NOTE: Often we use the word “feel” in a way that does not express emotions. “I feel that…”, “I feel like…”, “I feel lost, hurt, etc.”. These statements express opinions or beliefs or states rather than emotions.
Step 4. Determine what need exists behind the feeling and make a request (not demand) that supports that need.
So now let’s stitch it all together.
Can you select which of the below correctly uses the non-violent communication approach?
A: “Seeing socks (and clothes) all over the house makes me annoyed and I’d really love if you could pick up after yourself.”
B: “I feel resentment when socks and clothes are left all over the house because I see it as more work for me to do when I get home. Would you be willing to take your things with you when you leave the room?”
C: “You’ve been really messy lately and it adds stress to my life to come home to a messy house. Please pick up after yourself.”
D: “Would you be willing to take your things with you when you leave the room? I feel annoyed when I see your things lying around.”
If you answered “B”, you are correct, here’s why:
“I feel resentment (emotion) when socks and clothes are left all over the house (behavior) because I see it as more work (need: to relax at home, not work) for me to do when I get home. Would you be willing to take your things with you when you leave the room? (request)”
We’d encourage you to give non-violent communication a whirl in your relationship! Our check-in card deck coaches couples on this methodology as they work together to build and maintain healthy dynamics within the relationship.
Tell us how you do and engage with us on social media @happypartnersproject.
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https://www.happypartnersproject.com/blogs/rules-of-engagement/these-5-books-will-enhance-your-relationship2019-12-31T14:00:00-05:002021-01-29T13:20:42-05:00These 5 Books Will Enhance Your RelationshipJocelyn JohnsonOur relationships, with others and ourselves, are the most valuable investments we can make in life. They catalyze change and evolution and feed our souls. If you’re looking to love bigger, love harder and love smarter, these five books will send you on the right path.
Our relationships, with others and ourselves, are the most valuable investments we can make in life. They catalyze change and evolution and feed our souls. If you’re looking to love bigger, love harder and love smarter, these five books will send you on the right path.
The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman — The foundation of every relationship is mutual understanding and expression of needs. The tricky part comes in when each person’s needs differ. In this book, Chapman distills the five basic types of needs and ways that a person feels appreciated, acknowledged and loved. Once a person knows how their partners feels and expresses love it is that much easier to love them in that way. It’s a powerful tool. Learn your love language, and your partner’s, then attune yourself to that expression. You’ll see a miraculous impact on your relationship dynamic.
How to Love by Thich Nhat Hanh — Gentle and beautiful reminders for couples on love. From the four elements of true love to the power of deep listening and meditations for hugging, this book gives short concise musings that are accessible and easy to understand as couples integrate mindfulness into their relationships. Hanh’s insights are pure gold.
Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel — Perel tosses out societal pressures and expectations in this book. She redefines what a modern relationship can look like when not burdened by the structural norms of marriage and life-long commitment. This book integrates new approaches for sex, intimacy, and desire in long-term committed relationships. Perel has become a trusted voice drawing on 20 years as a couples therapist and a revolutionary in the relationship space.
4.Calling in the One by Katherine Woodward Thomas — Ok so clearly you have found your “One” or are in a relationship with the person who could pan out to be the One. Though this book reco might seem questionable if you’ve already called in your One it’s an absolute must. Thomas shows us our blind spots, our unspoken contracts and our relationship patterns — inherited from our parents/family and developed over time. Her theory is that our inherited patterns and early life contribute to picking the wrong partners, and while I agree with Thomas that this is absolutely the case, I disagree that it’s isolated to failed relationships. All relationships are designed to drive our personal evolution so it’s essential we bring our baggage into the relationship, to work it out, and with the right partner, two people can grow together. So if you haven’t read this one, and are coupled or not, it’s a must-read. Self-awareness and mindfulness are the first step in building and sustaining a healthy relationship and Calling in the One is a wonderful guide for this purpose.
5. Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead by Brene Brown — Closeness and connection in relationships are foundational glue. Who are we without our walls and protective armor? What barriers do we place between ourselves and our partners, friends, family, coworkers? Connection is a core element of the Happy Partners Project and the relationship check-in method we’ve created. Brown creates a compelling case for being vulnerable and mindful in service of creating connection with those around us. Her writing is an essential read — for life and for love.
There you have it! Five excellent reads from visionaries in personal development and relationships. It’s my hope that any or all of these will aid you in your journey as they have inspired mine. Happy reading and as you work your way through, I’d love to hear about your experience and takeaways in the comments!
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https://www.happypartnersproject.com/blogs/rules-of-engagement/why-are-relationship-check-ins-important2019-12-26T09:00:00-05:002021-01-29T13:21:25-05:00Why Are Relationship Check-Ins Important?Alyssa WarthResearch has proven relationship check-ins to be effective for people in committed relationships, with intimacy and overall relationship satisfaction. But why?
This is an important question to answer and research has proven relationship check-ins to be effective for people in committed relationships, with intimacy and overall relationship satisfaction. But why?
First, let’s start with a story…
When Lucy and Joe first started dating the connection was instant. It was almost as if two long-lost friends were reconnected. Conversations stretched for hours. Lucy loved how Joe pulled her to think about the world in new ways. Joe loved Lucy’s curiosity for life. They got along great. At about 9 months of dating, something shifted.
Lucy got a promotion at work and took on a lot more responsibility, which made her less available and much more stressed. Joe saw her usually energetic demeanor change to fatigue and what he’d describe as “being edgy.” Every time he asked if she wanted to discuss the new role, Lucy gave a vague answer and changed the subject.
Until this point, they’d always coasted so this was a new kind of conversation and Joe didn’t know how to support her. For Lucy, work was bringing her joy in many ways but also a lot of anxiety. It wasn’t her best side and she was worried Joe would get annoyed. For most of her life, Lucy has been an “I can handle it myself” type. In a discussion, Lucy said work was “all she had time for these days” so there wasn’t “much else to talk about.” After a couple months, Lucy and Joe started bickering more often. Joe wanted to be there for Lucy and Lucy wanted to connect with Joe, but neither of them knew how to communicate these deep desires.
At this point, neither of them viewed the relationship as “in trouble” but both knew that they were starting to have more distance than connection.
And this is the importance of the relationship check-in:
Being in communication creates connection. Naming what’s going on, naming needs and goals build connection.
Studies have shown that doing regular check-ins in a relationship can contribute to greater relationship satisfaction, enhance intimacy and diffuse the charge around conflicts (as compared to groups that did not participate in check-ins.)
Simply put, doing regular relationship check-ins helps prevent major blowouts. The Happy Partners Project Relationship Check-In method provides a structure for couples to stay in open dialogue around each person’s wants, needs, desires, dreams, goals and challenges, both as individuals and as a couple.
As we saw with Lucy and Joe, not all individuals communicate the same way. Every relationship is unique and every partner brings unique gifts and challenges to the relationship.
The Happy Partners Project’s protocol helps partners stay on track in their relationship before trouble arises, or in the midst of trying times, while teaching good emotional intelligence habits.
The conversation then becomes: “How can we best serve the relationship, together?” — a unifying act that builds toward a shared vision — instead of “This is about You.” Or “This is about Me.”
Relationships are intended to create opportunities for evolution in each of us. In that way, our partner is our greatest teacher and a shepherd for personal growth. The problem is that most couples haven’t been given the tools to check-in without escalating a situation. Others believe that if the relationship is good, check-ins aren’t necessary. By the time many turn to therapy or other remedial options, the relationship is often at the brink of an end.
Divided couples aren’t power couples. With divorce rates still at 50%, it’s time that couples introduce relationship check-ins that can powerfully serve couples as they “go for the gold.” It’s science, and heart, proven.
This post is from the Happy Partners Project — a mission-driven method for building and sustaining healthy and blissful relationships. Its first product is a relationship check-in deck. Our belief is that happier partners build happier homes and ultimately have healthier communication, greater life satisfaction, and increased emotional intelligence. For those couples who have children, we also believe that modeling healthy relationships will have legacy effects on the next generation of emotionally intelligent, well-adjusted humans.
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https://www.happypartnersproject.com/blogs/rules-of-engagement/when-should-we-start-relationship-check-ins2019-12-23T08:00:01-05:002021-01-29T13:22:34-05:00When Should We Start Relationship Check-Ins? Jocelyn JohnsonWe challenge the notion that check-ins are only meant for marriage. Why wait until you’re already married to start investing in practices that keep your relationship balanced and healthy!? That’s right — you shouldn’t. So when is the right time to introduce a relationship check-in?
Scrub the internet about “check-ins” or the infamous “Marriage Checkup” and you’ll find tons of research about the effectiveness of check-ins in marriages, and not much else. Until now. And we’re here to disrupt that notion that check-ins are only meant for marriage. Why wait until you’re already married to start investing in practices that keep your relationship balanced and healthy!? That’s right — you shouldn’t.
The answer to that varies. And, while we generally believe your intuition will call you towards checking-in at the right time, there is one special rule to follow: You and your partner are both committed to an exclusive relationship (or as each other’s primary partners, for our polyamorous readers out there!).
Here are some guides to follow if you’re thinking of starting a regular relationship check-in practice.
IF…
…you are exclusive, or each other’s primary partner…
…mutually see a future together, potentially for the long haul
…you or your partner have a history of moving too fast in relationships
…you two have already made serious commitments to each other, like living together, getting engaged, having a child, or making a life commitment
…you are considering any of the above
…you’ve emerged from the honeymoon phase of your relationship and are starting to experience friction and still see a future with your beau
…you’ve been committed and either or both of you have neglected the relationship, creating distance…
THEN…your relationship is ripe and ready for a regular relationship check-in practice.
Every couple has the ability to build a wonderful culture within their relationship. They just need the right tools and a good solid habit of checking in.
IMPORTANT NOTE: While relationship check-ins have significant research proving their effectiveness in improving and maintaining strength in partnership, there is one circumstance when additional support is highly recommended. For those in relationships that are unsafe or have experienced significant trauma, such as infidelity, violence or other abuse, etc, we urge you to get support or contact an anonymous support line like https://www.crisistextline.org/ (text HOME to 741741 from the U.S.).
This post is from the Happy Partners Project — a mission-driven method for building and sustaining healthy and blissful relationships. Its first product is a relationship check-in deck. Our belief is that happier partners build happier homes and ultimately have healthier communication, greater life satisfaction and increased emotional intelligence. For those couples who have children, we also believe that modeling healthy relationships will have legacy effects on the next generation of emotionally intelligent, well-adjusted humans.
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https://www.happypartnersproject.com/blogs/rules-of-engagement/how-to-do-a-marriage-check-in2019-12-22T22:08:26-05:002021-10-29T14:04:34-04:00The Relationship Check-In: How to do a Marriage Check-upJocelyn JohnsonMore]]>
So you want to start a regular weekly marriage meeting? Ready to take your relationship to the next level? Looking for support as you strengthen your relationship, stay connected, and build healthy communication with your partner?
Here are 6 steps for getting started on your weekly relationship check-ins:
1. Introduce the idea to your partner
For check-ins to be a success, both partners need to be on board. To introduce the idea to your partner, find a time when your partner is likely to be receptive, i.e. not when he/she is tired, hungry (erm…hangry) or stressed. It’s also best to introduce the idea of a weekly check-up with words of affirmation rather than criticism.
Examples include: A: “Hey honey, I’ve been thinking a lot about our relationship and I’d love if we could start a regular check-in to give us a chance to focus on shifting <Problem> and get back on the same page.”; B: “Hey babe, I know we’ve been having some friction so I thought it might be a good idea for us to start a check-in where we can have productive chats so we can fix this and also share what we love about our relationship.”
2. Find a mutually agreed upon time and location. And stick to it.
Weekends or evening once children are asleep, work emails are dwindling and after both partners are fed and unwound from work-life stresses are the best times. You’ll need an hour (sometimes 90 minutes to start) of uninterrupted time.
Pick a time and stick to it. If you find the time is mutually difficult to keep, try a new time.
Happy Partner Project’s founder and her boyfriend do them at 8 am on Saturdays even though she’s not a morning person. He’s freshest in the morning and says he has the “most to give” in the morning before he gets exhausted with the daily grind. It’s a time that they chose based on some trial-and-error. And, he’s committed to meeting her with coffee in-hand when she wakes with 10 min to spare before their check-in starts. Sometimes they’ll go to their favorite coffee shop and check-in there.
The goal is to have the marriage check-ups be a time of relief and ultimately of enjoyment, so cut yourselves some slack if you learn by failure to hit the time. And if the time consistently “doesn’t work” — it might be a signal of a deeper issue to be explored. Location choice is flexible — get creative! Check in during a hike or to kick off date night. As long as you can focus, the location is less important than the uninterrupted time.
3. Get rid of distractions.
Yes, you’ll need to put your phones away. You’ll need to tuck the children into an activity or into bed. Television and any other media distractions should be off. You’ll want to give your partner your undivided attention. It shows him/her you care and that attention is priceless.
4. Treat the time as sacred.
Take a moment now, think of some activity that you wouldn’t dare skip? The season finale of Game of Thrones? Your weekly mani/pedi? Walking the dogs? Feeding your children? Attending that weekly sales meeting you hate?
Yes, treat your check-ins as sacred. It’s one hour of quality time with the person you love, the person who lifts you up and supports you. You invest time in your career, your personal appearance and loads of other less meaningful activities. This hour is powerful. And you wouldn’t “flake” on something that has the ability to make you happier and more in love with your partner, right?
Right.
5. Remember! Check-ins are not a war zone.
Yes, often we bring our big issues to the table. Sometimes the fighting is too much to bear. Relationship check-ins are not intended to be a time when partners get free reign to put on the boxing gloves and clobber each other. It’s a time to practice healthy conflict resolution, connection, deeper understanding and appreciation for each other.
6. Follow the Happy Partners Project protocol.
The Happy Partners Project “Relationship Check-In (TM) Method” was designed to shift focus from problems to solutions and support other areas of connection between partners, across 5 categories. It’s science and psych-backed prompts and activities have earned it the title “Couples Therapy in a box!”.
Partners Read Check-In Commitments at the beginning and use those as guiding principles between check-ins. There will be difficult moments to start as many partners experience discomfort when building healthier ways of being in relationship with others. Don’t give up. Stay the course and keep up with the check ins.
This post is from theHappy Partners Project— a mission-driven e-commerce company designing and delivering products that support couples and individuals with building and sustaining healthy and blissful relationships.
Happy Partners Project is also the creator of the acclaimed “Relationship Check-In™ Method” — a science and psych-backed process for strengthening relationships.
The belief is that happier partners build happier homes and ultimately have healthier communication, greater life satisfaction and increased emotional intelligence.
For those couples who have children, we also believe that modeling healthy relationships will have legacy effects on the next generation of emotionally intelligent, well-adjusted humans.